meditation | My Eyes Are Up Here

I’ve belonged to a small online meditation group for the last two years taught by Donald Rothberg, a psychologist and major teacher on socially engaged Buddhism. He comes from a long line of nonviolent activists and really merits a separate blog post. Donald was very close friends with Joanna Macy, an environmental activist and Buddhist scholar who died last month at age 96. Joanna led the development of a collective grief ritual, for world events, the Truth Mandala.

At our request, Donald led the ritual with our online group of seven people, to deal with the current democracy crisis in the U.S. There are four phases of the ritual. During the first phase, people talk about gratitude. The second phase is opening to the pain of the world. The third is seeing in a different way, and the fourth phase is to “go forth into the world”. We completed the first three phases. Participation was optional at all times.

Most experience meditation practitioners have a gratitude practice. We all shared during this phase, such as for our health, personal safety, music, and the beauty of nature. Then we opened ourselves to the pain of the world expressing feelings of sorrow, fear, anger, and confusion, the four segments of the Truth Mandala. People spoke when they felt like they had something to share, after which, the group said, “We hear you.” It’s simple but it was also very deep. Since what people say in our group is private, I will only share my own feelings. I expressed sadness and anger at the cruel actions of the government and people in support of it as well as the apparent enjoyment in it, as if it were a game. I shared my sadness that so many were disconnected from activism because it is too painful to act or because anxiety and anger have led them to hopelessness.

Although the second phase was painful, by the third phase, when there were some people able to share a different kind of seeing. For example, I expressed fear and confusion about the outcome of our democracy but clarity about my immediate next steps as an activist. I also shared that I view myself as having resources to draw on for activism given my age, race, economic security, and emotional resilience. Others appeared to be in deep despair and chose not to speak. I could see a lot of pain in their eyes and body language. I have spent a couple of years with these people and they have wisdom and fortitude.

I saw their distress and I felt it. I wondered if I should not have shared about my sadness that more people were not engaged in activism. I know how people are, especially emotionally sensitive people. They often don’t think they are doing enough even when they are doing a lot. I didn’t want to make anyone distressed with my statements. Then I thought, “Well, this is the truth mandala. This is true for me and is not targeted toward anyone in the group.”

Most of us in this country are going through collective grief, which has intensified with the second Trump administration. Many are familiar with the late Swiss American psychiatrist, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’ work on death and dying, in particular, the stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. An important thing that a lot of people don’t realize is that this stage model was never meant to be a strict progress toward a final end point of acceptance.

I realized that what was making me most distressed was that although my meditation group was in shared grief, we were not all experiencing it in the same way at that moment. We typically share about our perspectives on an individual experience, not on a world event.

I am often distressed by other activist’s distress, the distress that results along the lines of “we’re doomed” or beliefs that there is only one answer to the problems we are facing. People can be so sure that they have the right answer and everyone else is wrong. My right answer is that there is not just one, even when we share guiding principles of non-violence, building an inclusive, “We, the People”, democracy, and respecting the Earth and living things.

A teaching I am taking out of the Truth Mandala is to recognize that some of the disconnect I often feel with others who also want a better world, is a difference in the way we are grieving, in that moment. I can respect that. I can also respect that grief changes.

My friends, however you are grieving, I am working to honor and validate it.

Much love,
Elizabeth

Today is International Peace Day. I think a lot about peace and I try hard to cultivate it within myself as well as to be a peaceful participant in the world around me. The degree of success varies but it is rare that a day goes by without my being mindful of my intent.

I have not written as frequently as in the past, in part, because my mind is fragmented. My emotions are fragmented. The world is not making sense. There are many things going on but they are all getting wrapped up literally and metaphorically in our U.S. Presidential election. It is white male heterosexual privilege against everyone else. We have a major presidential candidate with no experience who is viable just because he is white, heterosexual, powerful, and more importantly, an explicit spewer of hate and selfishness. When he cheats, he is savvy. His exploitation of people and resources makes sense because he is the right sex, orientation, and color to dominate others.

Meanwhile, we have a very competent woman running for president with decades of experience who manages to get things done despite the fact that she’s been held to a level of scrutiny that arguably no other candidate has ever faced. Her crime? She’s made mistakes. Women are not allowed to make mistakes. They are allowed to be perfect mothers or to serve men.

Meanwhile, African American people, some children, are being murdered by police. No, this is not new. What is relatively new is that the incidents are now filmed and even when they can be viewed, many white people still come up with reasons why the person, often unarmed, sometimes with their hands-up, deserved to die.

Meanwhile, an African American football player decides to stop standing for the National Anthem at football games. There is strong backlash against this kind of “disrespect” to our country as well as to our military. This is a peaceful protest by a man who belongs to a race that has been owned, systematically oppressed, and clearly shown on video, hunted. It is 2016. This is still happening. We have a major presidential candidate who is whipping up hatred for every “otherized” person. People, what are YOUR PRIORITIES? Respecting the flag or not killing people?

Meanwhile, nearly half of the homeless youth in the U.S. are LGBT. LGBT youth, more generally, are subject to a high incidence of sexual and physical assault, drug/alcohol use, and suicidality. This is all because we believe that not being straight or cisgender somehow threatens our safety.

Meanwhile, immigrants, potential immigrants, or anyone who resembles an immigrant from a non-European country, are being treated like terrorists, despite research evidence pointing to the opposite. Immigrants, by and large, are hard-working people. Their children, on average, engage in significantly less crime and drug use than U.S. born white youth.

Meanwhile, I was at home yesterday when my husband received a text from a friend, who referred to him as “a girl” as a joke. My tolerance for this kind of sexism is low. I told him that it was a misogynist joke. He disagreed and his feelings were hurt. Both men are good and decent men but I was taken aback that my husband defended the joke and acted like I was overreacting. My reaction may have been stronger than usual but that is only because it is exhausting and unhealthy to be in a constant stage of outrage over the insidious and outright violent oppression in our country and world.

I know that I can best advocate for peace, when I have more myself. That does not mean not being angry, afraid, or in grief for some very hateful forces in our world. But it does mean balancing them with the good that exists around me.

In about an hour I am going to the Frye Museum in Seattle where there is a sitting meditation every Wednesday. That will help as will meeting my friend, Nancy, there.

I wish you all peace in your hearts.