I think John had something else in mind in terms of taking care of me. When I was first diagnosed last month he went directly to his HR department to find out how much paid leave he could use to take care of me. He soberly reported, “It’s not as good as I hoped. It’s only 5 weeks.” My reply, “John, I’m not going to hospice care. Five weeks is plenty.” (Plus, there’s the whole self-employed part of me that thinks, “Paid leave? Woo hoo! What are you complaining about?”)

So I think he had something more along the lines of the English Patient type care taking. The fact that I am doing much better than anyone expected is confusing. This morning, he started talking about movies again. The man is seriously passionate about seeing movies when they are in the theater. And his motivation to include me in this passion has ramped up recently. He would probably laugh at me, but I suspect this is his way of checking that I will still be around for him. That’s understandable and sweet but it is also irritating. I know that I have a hard time not feeling responsible for people. I’m actually feeling a little guilty that I don’t want to go to the movies this weekend and that John is feeling bored taking care of me. I know it’s irrational but since I have not yet learned to let go of this, I end up feeling annoyed with my husband who is just doing his best in dealing with a scary situation over which he has almost no control. Though I have to say, the fact that he has a good job and carries my health insurance is no small feat. Having excellent health insurance is an enormous privilege. I hope our country keeps moving toward shifting it from a privilege to a right.

Okay, now I’ve gone from annoyance to gratitude. Thanks again, Blog!