I’ve been debating about writing this post for nearly nine months now. I don’t want to make anyone feel bad or guilty. But the truth is that although the vast majority of people have been wonderfully supportive to me in respect to my breast cancer, there are a couple of people in my life who have stunned me with the unexpected ways they’ve responded.
Rule #1 If a friend tells you that she has cancer, it is best to respond right away if only to say something along the lines of “I’m so sorry to hear that. You are in my thoughts/prayers.”
I know it doesn’t sound like much but it means a lot to be acknowledged. I know you can’t take my disease away.
Rule #2
If you neglected to respond right away, respond right now with a communication along the lines of “I’m so sorry you have cancer. I’m also sorry for my delay in talking to you about it. You are in my thoughts/prayers.” Making excuses at this point is risky. Some excuses are totally understandable like my friend who lives in another state and unbeknownst to me, was sick for a few months and had to temporarily close down her business. That is a very very good excuse and by the way, friend who knows who she is, I am so sorry that you were sick but it was so great to talk to you recently. I am so glad that you are so far on the road to recovery. Other excuses like, “I’m sorry, I was too busy” is not an excuse that makes me feel better. It makes me feel worse, to tell you the truth. Maybe you did mean to respond sooner but thought you should do something fancier than the statement from rule #1. And then time got away from you.
Or perhaps the idea of cancer freaks you out because it is a very serious disease, that can happen to anyone, and can kill people. I understand your fear but it is not a good excuse. We live in a world of uncertainty. None of us know exactly when we will die. A compassionate statement goes a long way, even if it is short. Being seriously ill has some extremely isolating moments and for many people, the isolation is chronic.
Rule #3
Please do not skip over the fact that I am dealing with a scary and serious illness and act as if nothing is wrong. I am still your friend and I offer you whatever friendship and support that I can. I know you have your own troubles. It helps me to know that there are things I can still offer my friends. But please don’t skip over my cancer and then ask me for help with something in your life.
Rule #4
If you think you messed up with a friend in need, please don’t spend your time guilting yourself out about it. Simply apologize and again, be careful with the excuses. I recently received apologies from some good friends. It meant a great deal to me. They didn’t make excuses even though in reality, they have some pretty good ones.
Rule #5
If you at a loss of what to do and your friend keeps a blog, you can help by reading the blog. I love for people to read my blog and press “like” from time to time. (Oops, you have to have a WordPress account to “like” a post. I had forgotten that when I originally wrote this.) Then I know they are thinking about me. A supportive comment is a cherry on top of the sundae. (No WordPress account is necessary for posting a comment.)
Rule #6
If you are at a loss of what to do, live close to your friend, and like to cook, bringing food is a lovely concrete nurturing act.
Rule #7
Convalescing gets really boring, especially for an extrovert such as myself. Visitors, emails, texts, and phone calls can be really nice. If the time is not good, I will tell you.
There are so many things that we can do for our “friends in need.” Even the tiniest acknowledgement helps. The time to do it is now.
My Eyes Are Up Here 
Some people are not good at showing care and concern for someone. This doesn’t mean they don’t care.
You are very right. I know they care.
Sensible rules! Individual personalities/communication and support-giving-/-receiving desires and styles vary so much that sometimes people do the wrong thing or do nothing while they try to figure out what’s best or just opt out of doing anything because they don’t think it’s their place/don’t want to burden the friend with having to respond (and on and on) . . . It’s all so delicately tough, but obviously the only one with the ACTUAL tough part is the one fighting the battle. Your post is a good reminder for friends to explicitly ask what a friend in need, needs. (And of course you’re allowed to need something today that you don’t want tomorrow.) I don’t know if this helps, but a personal belief that always helps me keep others’ actions (or lack of same) in a good-for-me-to-latch-onto perspective is that everyone is always doing the best they can with any given situation, even when their best falls short or is crappy.
Meanwhile, I had no idea you could like a blog post. I will try that as soon as I finish my lengthy reply. And: I would like to make you some more food.
You are the best, Lisa!
Ah, I see — it looks like you can only “like” if you have a WordPress identity.
Oh Lisa, I knew that and totally forgot about it. So sorry to have prompted that wild goose chase.
This is a tough one. I was completely touched by the people who reached out to me when mom died…and completely hurt by the people who didn’t. I was offended by how many people told my daughter to “cheer up” at mom’s funeral…a week after watching her grandma die in person. There’s something wrong with our society that people have lost the ability to empathize with each other on a one-on-one level. We’re all “so busy,” but what I’ve come to understand is that most people want you to not remind them that very little stands between them and what you are going through. You could be any of us, Liz. Some people recognize that and reach out to you. Some people recognize that and shy away. I guess I now value those people who reached out to me more…and those who didn’t…less. It has made me apologize to those friends who were going through hard times, and I didn’t respond as well as I should, but I understand if they don’t value me as much anymore. I’m sorry it took 9 months for you to feel comfortable enough to express this, but I know it must have been hard. I think about how much you’ve gone through every time I interact with friends or clients who have survived breast cancer. Thank you for sharing all of this.
Poor Emma. My heart went out to her at the funeral. She was pure raw grief. It hurt to see her so sad. But sadness is part of losing people.
I’m so glad we have each other, Beth.
Me, too, honey.
I can so relate so this from when I had cancer… I wish I had this list then to show friends… Some people seemed to be great and others could not cope and one friend who I thought was a friend I lost.. Seemed I could not keep up with her any more!!! 11 years ago And I have not forgotten !!
Welcome to my blog! I’m glad this post was meaningful to you. Here’s to your continued health!
Gee, I hope I haven’t fallen into the “uncaring” category. Although I read your blog every day and feel very close to you, I don’t actually talk to you very often. Maybe your blog has that effect on others too. I hope you know that I’m ready to help at any time in any way (though you probably wouldn’t thank me for my cooking). I’m looking forward to good weather when we can have our regular gardening conversations again.
Deana, I wasn’t talking about you at all! You have been awesome!
I’m looking forward to garden conversations, too.
Elizabeth this is a really poignant entry to your blog and applies to life in general doesn’t it? I am reading here that you did not hear from some people in your life that you fully expected to reach out to you when you received your diagnosis…I hope this was not too draining on your psyche as time marched on. Ten years ago, I had a traumatic event happen in my life and it really surprised/hurt me, how friends, relatives and acquaintances responded or did not… it really changed my view of these people. As time passed, I understood that not everyone knows how to respond but nonetheless, relationships are changed. Thank you for dealing with a hard subject here. It is an important lesson for everyone to communicate in a loving way when someone you know is going through a hard time. Hugs!
My psyche is holding it’s own, thank goodness! Yes, some people don’t know how to respond to a friend in crisis. There are some people in my life who I know love and care about me but have a hard time responding to someone in distress. It’s the fact that a person or two I thought could handle it and then didn’t, that really bothered me. Now that I’ve written the post, I am wondering if part of what is so upsetting about it is that having cancer in the first place was so unexpected. It was surreal. It’s like I knew my world and then I realized that I didn’t. So when people responded in a way to me that I never would have predicted, it adds to that upset of knowing that there are some important aspects of our lives over which we have little or no control.
I’m so sorry you had a trauma in your past and that not everyone was able to be there for you in the way you so deserved. I am assuming that your psyche has healed because you are such a lovely and caring person. Thanks so much for being in my life.
And thank you for being in mine! An enjoyable all day hike in Costa Rica has turned into a meaningful relationship! And yes time does heal many things and puts things in a different perspective.
hi there,
thank you for your post, it is wonderful to read something i’ve had trouble articulating myself. i’ve found the kindness of a hug when friends find out that i’ve been diagnosed with cancer to be incredibly comforting. this has been the response from two friends who have also been through cancer.
i was so shocked when, years ago and seemingly well at the time, i found out about their illness. i remember my panic at the shock of sadness i felt for them, the fear and the totally inappropriate (in hindsight) response i made on each occasion. i just didn’t know. and the memory helps me be kind when i see the same panic in my friends’ eyes now. so i just ask for a hug. such a lovely way to ease both of us into accepting something that is so hard to comprehend.
What a wonderful suggestion!
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Thank you for writing this. When my daughter was dealing with cancer, and since she passed away, it has been immensely helpful to hear from friends, just knowing that they were thinking of us, sending love, including us in their prayers…means a huge deal. And because I was so focused on caring for her, (and now taking time to grieve and heal myself), it was very helpful to know that I didn’t need to respond. I usually did anyway, but taking that pressure off myself really helped. I now have time and love to have “likes” and comments on my blog – knowing that others are reading and can relate is so valuable.
I wish you the best in your recovery and look forward to reading more! Blessings to you. I don’t know you, but you are in my prayers.
Lucia, thanks so much for the kind words and prayers. You have been in my prayers as well. I wish you much love and healing as you grieve the loss and celebrate the life of your beautiful daughter.