When faced with cancer or any other serious illness, it is only natural to think about the uncertainty of our futures. Lately, I find myself thinking about this more frequently. A year after diagnosis, I find myself finding more and more room for non-cancer related life, “the new normal” as it is often called.
I find myself thinking that I have no way of knowing whether I have cancer in my body or not. Frankly, this is the truth for everyone with “no evidence of disease.” I don’t know if it will come back. I also know that just like everyone else, I may have a different serious disease or injury in my future. And my family and friends will face illnesses and other hardships. We often think about disease and death as the enemy, but they are part of the natural world, and we will all face them.
By nature, I crave certainty and dislike ambiguity. In my job, I help kids and families reduce the chaos in their lives. I am the family administrator at home. I may have even been described as a “control freak”, maybe just maybe, once or twice in my life.
The last two years have been the most challenging in my life. I been been mired situations that I’d hoped I’d never have to face, full of ambiguities and dire possibilities.
What I have been noticing the most in the last month or so is the fact that I am not freaking out. Even in the scariest, grayest parts of these years, I’ve found a constant. There has always been love. Love from family, love from friends, love from healthcare providers committed to help. And the love I have for others is stronger than ever.
Life can be murky, ambiguous, and downright scary. But love is clear and love is always beautiful.
XOXOXO
I’ve been thinking about this concept, too. Thanks for expressing it so positively.
I’m glad my post, even with the typos I just noticed (!) resonated with you. Thanks, it is hard to describe the experience without sounding too sad or too happy. It’s just gray but that’s okay. (Ha! I made a little rhyme. I will spare everyone from making it into a cheesy motto about facing uncertainty.)
Beautiful thoughts from a beautiful person.
Beautiful comment from a beautiful person about beautiful thoughts from another beautiful person.
Lovely post..and so true. None of us are sure of our future..we must make each day a new one. And, I’m hoping that flower will grow in Florida! Gotta get me one!
It’s a self-seeding annual. It’s delicate and pretty. The botanical name is nigella damascena. It’s super easy to grow–almost too easy so be careful. It grows in USDA hardiness zones 4-9. Most of Florida fits in that range.
I think cancer and all that goes with it pushes us so far into ambiguity and the unknown that we’re virtually impervious to anything that would freak us out. With the love and support of family and true friends plus a good medical community working with us even the toughest challenges are like mini mole hills in this game. You’re an inspiration Elizabeth, the world could use more people just like you.
Oh Tracy, thanks so much. You inspire me so much, as well. I’ve been thinking of you a lot as you go through the last part of your Herceptin treatment. XOXOXO.
Agreed. I like certainty and being able to plan, and knowing what is ahead so I can plan for it. Having cancer means that I will never have that advantage again. I struggle every day to NOT try and plan for every possible scenario, and to be calm with the idea that if I get cancer again I get it, and if I don’t, I don’t. That is VERY hard for my personality.
I grieve for the loss of the illusion that my health was predictable and good. I knew that I couldn’t hold onto the illusion forever, but did not expect to have to do so in my 40’s.
It sounds like you are giving your anxious brain a run for it’s money. Keep trying to ignore the unreasonable demands that it makes and you may find, over time, that it calms the Hell down.
The Beatles song comes to mind…All you need is Love da.da.da.da.da All you need is love da.da.da.da.da. All you need is Love Love…love is all you need!
So well said Elizabeth! As always…
Yep, that tune was going through my head as I wrote the post. 🙂
This is the most inspirational reading material available.
Bless you all!
🙂
You and your mom reminded me of one of my favorite MASH quotes: It’s nice to be nice to the nice. :- D
Love in the Mist is such a pretty flower, and they’re everywhere this time of year. I haven’t seen the pink/purple variety in your picture…only the blue.
I had forgotten that quote. Now I remember the words but not the speaker. Was it the priest, Father M (can’t spell it)?
And yes, Mom and I have our corny but sincere love fest.
No, it’s Frank Burns who says it when he & HotLips are trying to curry favor from Colonel Blake?
Ah yes, I remember now. Oh how I miss his toady ways!