I lost my shit with my kid. I have not done this is such a long time, honestly in years. I’m not sure why I did. She was treating my bedroom like it was hers and refused to leave when I politely requested that she do so. She had that look in her eyes of “make me.” I haven’t seen that look in a long time, in a couple of years, in fact.

It was like of flood of grief came over me, of fear and anger and loss. I yelled. I lost so much. It feels like I lost years of holding my breath, patience, and rebuilding trust with my family.

I messed up. I heard my daughter tell her father, “Mom is 48 years old. I am 15. She is acting like a child.”

And she was right. I had a tantrum. One I didn’t see coming in a million years. I saw the look of rebellion the look of “make me” in the eyes of my daughter.

I’ve been dealing with roils of anger lately. Anger that comes from past helplessness. And the look of “make me” was the look of cancer. Cancer entered my life without warning and without welcome. I have become more and more aware of the trauma it inflicted on me. No, it did not ruin my life but my life will never be the same. It will continue to take time to heal.

I confused my fear of having a life out of my control with the scared eyes of a 15 year old girl. I have apologized but I had already done much damage. My husband is also hurt and angry with me. I have been there. I have been at the spot of watching a spouse lose it and undo our progress as a family.

My daughter has also apologized and although that is mostly good, in a way I feel worse. Tomorrow is another day. But right now I feel very regretful and quite ashamed. I’m not a monster and neither is my child. Why did I just act like one?

I think this is the time in my grief when I need to address my anger. This has been a long time coming. I pray that I can do so without causing more damage.