Some problems are to be solved. Others cannot be solved and are to be accepted.
Today, my mood matches the weather outside, gray. It may rain today and it may not. It could go either way.
I feel discouraged today and fairly sad. Not horribly so, not a torrential downpour so but still cloudy.
Many of my expectations about the business side of marriage, dividing responsibility, having routines, making decisions and then implementing them, are reasonable ones. Ordinarily, they are not too much to ask.
But I’ve been a marriage for nearly 25 years during which these expectations have never been met despite the fact that my husband and I adore one another and are smart, resourceful people. And I have no reason to believe that our lives will become less complicated any time soon or perhaps ever. Similarly, I have no reason to believe that either of us is going to change in any major way that will make this teamwork, which I have so desperately wanted all of these years, happen.
I am not without spontaneity in my life. I like new experiences. I like having fun. But it is not fun to be spontaneous about the stupid, boring parts of daily life. The stuff that just needs to get done so that there is time for fun and life is not just spent figuring out the same mundane tasks every day. Habits, routines, and rules are helpful because when they make sense, our brains don’t have to work so hard and we also have more free time.
I find that a substantial amount of my thinking time is spent on making these rules and habits happen. Twenty-five years of this thinking and it’s not happening.
I believe that I am one of the most reasonable people that I know. I am proud of how hard I have worked to live a life that is coherent and makes sense. That may seem silly but for me, it has opened a path to great joy, creativity, and happiness.
Ordinarily, my expectations of a marital partnership would be reasonable. But my marriage is not ordinary. In most ways, it is extraordinary, with incredible depth, humor, shared values, and passions. No one and no partnership can be strong in every area. We are not strong in the mundane aspects of daily living. I mean sometimes we do a better job than others but it nearly always requires a great deal of effort, regardless of the outcome. In contrast, we don’t have to work at laughing together, appreciating nature, or expressing interest in the world around us. That stuff is easy. Dishes are hard. Finding the broom because it was moved and not put back in its place is hard. Finding clean towels is difficult. Giving up on the idea that these things will someday change is difficult.
If you asked me whether I would rather have the marriage I have than one that ran like a well oiled machine but was lacking in passion, companionship, and laughter, I would so obviously choose the marriage that I have. Every day, I choose the marriage that I have. I have a wonderful husband.
Today, I realized that in my quest to feel better about myself as a wife, I have to give up these expectations. It is understandable that I want them. But it is unreasonable and irrational to continue expecting things to change. I don’t yet know how to do this. This is not the first time I have had this thought. But it is the first time that the thought has been different than just giving up.
As I have been writing this, it has changed in my mind from a loss to a sliver of opportunity, an opening to a different path.
My Eyes Are Up Here 
Married fifty-five years in the next few months, when it comes to my husband the positives outweigh the negatives. And, like you, if I had to do it all over again, I would choose HIM.
55 years! I knew that about you and it is still such marvelous news!
On that feeling that releasing these particular expectations might be something you’d choose versus something that would happen due to forfeiture (aka not showing up) . . . well, that right there is growth. Which doesn’t mean, of course, that you or anyone has been wrong. Just that all of your hard work is conspiring to pay off in the form of a better day, a better way.
Lisa, I can’t even tell you how encouraging this comment is to me. Thank you so very much!
We are into our 44th year and if anyone said to me at the outset of our marriage that all these years later we’d still be working on compromises and our overall relationship, I’d have laughed at them. I still don’t clean bathrooms well enough for my wife, I don’t fold clean towels properly and her sense of urgency is still distinctly different than mine. However, we both know we did pretty darn good at picking a partner.
Nelson, that is so true! Congratulations to you and your wife.
dear Elizabeth,
that sliver is HUGE! being able to let in possibilities to reinforce the good stuff is as important as letting go of things that keep us bound to the same ‘ole, same ‘ole go rounds. it means you are allowing flexibility, the constance of the love and appreciation for what works, and the core of what the relationship means to you both. and that mainly boils down to the Love that has been created, the shared joys, the mutual admirations you share…I’ve not a doubt that letting that sliver open will at some point lead to a door wide open, to bring in much more contentment and harmony.
much love,
Karen xoxo
Hi Elizabeth, it’s great that you have a sliver. Truth is, no one’s relationship with another is ideal. Before I became a mom, I had all these expectations of how wonderful motherhood would be. It is wonderful, but as you know, it’s filled with the daily unpleasantries, too.