I have an MRI next week. I have them once a year as a routine follow up. In six months, I’ll have my annual diagnostic mammogram. Welcome to Breast Cancer Land. When they aren’t loading you into a noisy, rattling tube, they are smashing your boobs while having you hold the rest of your body in positions reserved for the less commonly read sections of the Kama Sutra.
I actually don’t mind the actual procedures so much. It’s the worrying and waiting for results. I don’t want to do this! I have all kinds of fun things planned for October! So I find myself thinking, “Maybe I should just reschedule my MRI for AFTER I do my fun things. Then if I have a recurrence, it won’t spoil my fun.”
This is a ridiculous kind of thought. I mean I could reschedule for November but then it would be, “What if I have a recurrence? It will spoil Thanksgiving.” Then Christmas may be spoiled, etc.
The fact of the matter is that there is no good time to have cancer. Right before scans, I find myself scheduling patients with the thought, “Hmm, I wonder if I will be able to finish that report if I find out I have a recurrence?”
When I was diagnosed with cancer, I can’t say that my life came to a screeching halt, because it didn’t. But major changes and upheaval occurred in order for me to get the assessments and treatments I needed. On the day I was diagnosed, it was a work at home day and I ended up cancelling two phone consultations with other healthcare providers. I worked on my reports the next day. It was a three day weekend and we were expecting my father-in-law to come stay with us. It was actually nice to have him there. He gave us a lot of support.
My life will stop when I die. A cancer diagnosis didn’t make it stop. I can’t juggle my schedule around the possibility that I will be worried and stressed. I am a planner but this is not one of the things to plan for, at least in the short term. I mean, I do think about the long-term. That’s why I exercise regularly, try to eat well, meditate, and go to psychotherapy. I am taking care of myself for the long term. I am preparing for the possibility of a long life. And those things I do for the long term, make me feel better right now.
This is my gratitude week. I had an idea in mind when I planned this but I have not quite followed it. Instead, I have gone according to what I wanted or needed each day. Today, I feel like I want to do something different with my anxiety.
I trust myself to do what I need to do if my cancer has returned.
I appreciate and feel deep gratitude to my friends and family for holding my health in their warm wishes and prayers.
I appreciate my access to excellent cancer treatment.
I am grateful that although my breast cancer surgeon has retired, that there are a number of excellent remaining surgeons at my cancer center.
I appreciate my healthcare insurance.
I am grateful to my husband because I know he will drop everything and come to my MRI appointment next week if I ask him to do so.
I appreciate my daughter’s resilience in the face of my health problems and her tenacity in life.
I love living.
I am alive until I am not.
I will do my best to live accordingly.
Keep me posted.
Of course, Mom
Oh, lordy…I’m still wrangling with my doctors to get a follow up ultrasound after my mammogram came back with another report of significant density. Sigh. I don’t know how we manage to function sometimes. There were a few days recently when it would have been better if I weren’t driving a car around. But what can you do? The last time I had a breast MRI, year before last, I wrote a song about it. The lyrics went to ‘The Trolley Song’ that Judy Garland sang in ‘Meet Me in St. Louis.’ Here it is. Hope it helps. It made ME laugh… 😉 http://accidentalamazon.com/blog/2012/10/23/staying-negative/
Kathi, that’s awesome!
Lovely gratitude list. Thank you for sharing your story. Cancer has touched so many of us.
Thank you, kindly.
Hi Elizabeth,
This post really made me stop and think about how cancer changes everything and yet doesn’t change things. Life goes on no matter what happens. As it should. Good luck with your MRI next week. We’ll all be right there with you. And this sentence, “I am alive until I am not.” That’s pretty profound. Thanks for another thoughtful post. xx
Yes, Nancy Cancer Land contains many paradoxes! Time moves fast and slowly. Things change but they don’t. Thanks for reading, commenting, and being there!
I always have my annual mammograms in January, so that I can enjoy the Thanksgiving and Christmas Holidays with family. You are so right, the greatest anxiety is after the exam and waiting for the results; which, normally is only about 30-45 minutes for me. But, my level of stress and anxiety is at its peak . I don’t know if I could handle anything much beyond that. But, God always gives us the strength when we think there is none left. Praying.
Thanks so much!
dear Elizabeth,
I am so glad you wrote it out about the anxiety you are feeling about the impending MRI. please know I am holding you up into the brightest light of hope and sending lots of warm and gentle hugs your way, sweet girl. I so admire what you did near the end of this post, when you said you wanted to do something different with your anxiety, and you made that amazing gratitude list, then the powerful affirmations about how you love life; both were wonderful in expressing appreciation! anxious thoughts may still creep in, it’s just part of this damnable cancer gig – so don’t beat yourself up. gratitude and appreciation won’t get canceled out. we can live with them alongside of our worries to help us endure what we must.
much love,
Karen xoxo
Xoxoxoxo. Karen, you say the best and most supportive words.