Several times a year, I observe one of my patients in the classroom as part of my assessment. This step is particularly helpful in assessing very young children. Once kids get older than 1st or 2nd grade, it’s hard to get a good observation in just an hour because the behaviors of interest just don’t occur as frequently by that time. So when I observe in a classroom, the kids are anywhere from 2 to 7 years old.
This morning, I observed a student in a classroom of 3-6 year old’s. I haven’t seen little kids like this in some time due to changes in my work I made in order to accommodate my cancer treatments as well as to reduce my treatment load (I used to see lots of little kids and their families) so I could get home earlier for family reasons. Honestly, I miss little kids.
What a sweet little classroom it was. I see a lot of wonderful teachers. The teacher in this classroom was excellent in a way I don’t see a lot. The quietly compelling teacher. The gentle but engaging teacher. The patient but direct teacher. She was just lovely to watch. I told her this as I left the classroom. She smiled, gently set her hand on my arm, and then put it over her heart. The students loved her. They trusted her. They followed her direction, which she did with encouragement and love. I try not to attract attention when I observe but even so, when children happened to pass where I was seated, they smiled at me and I smiled back.
Sometimes visiting a little community like this is a truly beautiful experience. This was one of those times and I found myself feeling very moved, my eyes nearly welling with tears. It is not that small children learning in a nurturing environment, where they receive and give love, is not worth tears of joy. But there was something else I was feeling, wistfulness, a longing sadness for things lost.
I have had this feeling every morning since Sunday. At first I thought it was just related to my having had a wonderful two day visit with a friend, come to an end, kind of like that let down on Christmas after all of the packages have been unwrapped, the guests have left, the floor is a mess, and the dishes need to be done. That was part of it but not all. A couple of days ago, I also realized that the two day visit had given me a very much needed break from the stress not only from my job but from my family life. For two days, I concentrated on fun and entertaining people. We are not supposed to admit this as parents, especially mothers, but I must say also that I experienced many hours of feeling almost childless and this was enormously lightening. It was almost like I imagine not thinking of having had breast cancer for an entire day.
This morning, I understood another layer. I miss having a small child. I love my daughter; she is a force of nature and a singular sensation. It is still normal for her to say something if not very sweet, at least positive about my husband or me, each day. But there are also the other times, the hard parenting times. These are times that stress out the family a great deal. When I was a researcher at the University of Washington, we followed a treatment model for parenting teens, which included a focus on guidelines, monitoring, and consequences (positive and negative). My husband and I are in the camp of parents who provide all three parts. Most parents provide guidelines to their teens, many provide consequences, effective, ineffective, fair, unfair, and/or harsh. A lot of parents, however, do not adequately monitor or supervise.
Consequently, our kid gets busted for stuff that other kids get away with because their parents aren’t paying good enough attention. And this makes here angry and insulted in only the way teen can get. Instead of “Oh no, you caught me doing x, y, and z” it’s “I can’t believe you violated my right to do x, y, and z, not that I am admitting to doing any of those things!”
Testing parental limits is a normal part of growing up for a teen. And she did it when she was little, too. And sometimes she even said really mean things to me, as mean as a four year old could be, “You’re not my friend!” “I’m going to punish you!” Or in the words of the young patient I used to have, “I’m going to put you in time out for a hundred fousand years!!”
When our kids are little, some of these statements can sound pretty funny, especially if your child still can’t pronounce /th/ in “thousand”. They are also, little. Little kids can make a powerful racket and they can express powerful feelings but in the end, they are small. They are not powerful. But teens have a lot more independence. They have a lot more power. And they often don’t want our help or limits even when they need them. When a little kid has a tantrum after testing limits, it’s typically over in a short amount of time. Even kids who have horrible and intense tantrums are usually done in an hour or two. Not to dismiss the stress of those kinds of tantrums because it is considerable, but an older child due to their increased cognitive development, can hold a grudge for a really long time. And they can test for a really long time. And because they are harder to supervise, there are tests you fail as a parent because you didn’t even know to show up for them.
We all want the best for our children, to be happy, to be responsible, to have healthy relationships, to be able to contribute positively to society, and to be able to care for themselves and others. Some days it is incredibly exhausting and I know that it is for her, as well. And then empathizing with her tumult, creates inner turmoil for me.
Little children are so much simpler. Their world is so much smaller and they are typically happy to have you be in it. When my daughter was in preschool, she used to tell me how much she loved me in delightful ways. One of them was, “I love you more than the world has changed. And the world has changed A LOT!”
I miss my little girl. I miss her as much as her world has changed. I love the young woman that she is even more. But most of all, I pray for her happiness and her health, that her unique gifts will be fully appreciated out there in the world without my husband and me.
My Eyes Are Up Here 
Your teen still loves you as much as when she was a small child. However, teens are facing many challenges and changes in their lives. If they must lash out it will be to those who will forgive them.
Yes, Mom you are wise. But sometimes it hurts and it hurts a lot.
Sorry Liz.
dear Elizabeth,
I can certainly understand why these last few days have been emotionally troublesome. seeing the little people and how they responded to their wonderful teacher is so NOT what it’s like with teens. and having experienced that contrast must have resulted in the nostalgia of what is was like having your little girl when she was…well, little, the one who mostly wanted to please you because the love your family shared was what brought such joy and affection and even so much more humor and delight into your midst to each one of you. then – POOF- it’s back to guidelines, aka known as stupid rules, monitoring, aka, spying and interfering, and consequences, where hackles raise and turf gets stepped on, and grudges get put into the mix – and you may find that they stick around and will come up in conversations when the kid is middle-aged. oy. the only way we found to cope was to keep plugging along and doing the parental duties, hoping to god that the foundation of love we’d built would stand the test (ah, the damned testing!) of time. it’s a really crappy thing that as kids get into their teens, we can suddenly find them quite interesting, and we want to spend more time with them, we’re blown away and want to know more about how they feel and think and what they dream about – but it often feels like a one-sided love affair. we are no longer the center of their universe, and they often make it very clear that their main mission is to get as far away from us as possible. we feel swells of pride for them, and while we are trying to hug and kiss them and tell them we love them and are so proud of them, knowing our days with them are numbered and the nest will soon be empty, they are glaring over our shoulder and feeling resentful that they are missing time better spent with their friends. at times the concept of conversation is out the window and we are left deflated and bewildered. and empty and hurt. the only consolation is knowing as parents we are doing our job for all the right reasons. and even that feels lousy sometimes – doing our best should feel rewarding. so how come it so often feels like punishment? hang in there. you and john are doing a fine job and have worked hard building that big foundation of love. and your daughter will thank you over and over in years to come and will recognize that she was so fortunate to have a dad and mom who were strong enough to be PARENTS to see her through years when she thought all she needed were friends. much love, Karen ooxoo
My friend, you have a magical skill of knowing EXACTLY what to say. Oh, you are the best. “One-sided love affair.” Word.
Love you, Karen. Xoxoxoxo.