I am grateful for my blessings, really, I am. And I have a multitude of blessings. I work hard to be a happy and balanced person. Most of the time my daily life makes sense to me. Most of the time my responsibilities feel bearable. Sometimes, like today, I feel worn out. I feel like I am living a life that requires 150% of me. People, each of us only has one whole self, which is 100%. 110% only exists on those stupid business motivational posters.
One of the things that I tried to change about my life after my cancer diagnosis is expecting myself to work near 100% capacity every day. I need to rest like every one else. I need balance and rejuvenating experiences.
I have been working myself hard since November. Really really hard. My family life has been hard and my work life has been hard. My health, thank goodness, has been good.
When I was younger, working more than is healthy, held certain seductive powers. I felt accomplished, strong, and self-sacrificing, the last of which giving a moral edge or some kind of “get out of jail free card”.
It’s so easy to work too hard. It’s hard to rest, to have ease. I hate that. I hate that having ease takes so much damn work. Easy shouldn’t be hard but it is.
Last year, I had two periods, each a few days long, when I felt transported into a fun, easy world outside of my work and family responsibilities. Both times, I spent time with friends and mostly without my family. It was fantastic. It was easy. Then I got back to my normal life, which although rich with blessings and meaning, landed on me like a ton of bricks.
The work on moving my psychology office occurred over two major holidays, some tough parenting issues, and financial stress. It took a lot of time and money in amounts far exceeding what I wanted. Although I am very happy with the outcome, I am worn out. I need a break. Yesterday, I was working on some summer plans. They became complicated quickly. At this time and place in my life, it hit me hard and I was sad. I was disappointed. I was sad and disappointed not with myself or anyone else, but with the lack of ease in my life. I was teary when my husband came home. I explained in a few sentences. He totally understood; after all, we share a life together.
It’s not easy to be easy. I guess I will keeping working hard on that.
My Eyes Are Up Here 
I would give you advice but it sounds as if you’re giving it to yourself.
Thank you, Mom.
[…] Elizabeth‘s posts always speak to me and prompt me to check in with what I really might need today – and so it is with her latest post, a much needed reminder to take my ease from time-to-time. […]
dear Elizabeth,
this post really resonated with me – the truth of how hard it is to take our ease. lately, I have seen/heard at lot of talk about this issue, about how our multi-tasking habits egg us on to keep on keeping on, especially if we are good at what we do. I am glad your consciousness has been raised – have no doubt that you will figure out what works for you. thanks for a beautifully written post on such an important topic.
much love,
Karen xox
Karen, it is always a gift to me to know that my writing resonates with someone else and adds meaningfully to what is also on his/her mind. The part about multi tasking at things at which we excel is an interesting one that makes a lot of sense.
This sounds so familiar Elizabeth and you’re right, it hard to go at 95% when you’ve spent your whole life running at 100%. I too am learning to step back a little and accept everything isn’t my responsibility to make, mend or do. I wish you success with going easy because I think it’s important and even more so after what we’ve been through
I wish you success in your efforts, as well. Trying to be Super Person can make us super tired!