“Wise mind” is a mindfulness concept in the class that my family has been taking. Wise mind is used when “emotion mind” or “reasonable mind” get out of balance. Wise mind is, well, wise and validates both emotion and reason.

If you look back at my last post, you can see moments where either emotion mind or reasonable mind got out of balance. There is a mindfulness skill called, “ask Wise Mind a question.” No, I kid you not. The judge-y part of my brain has thoughts like, “That sounds silly and dumb.” Fortunately, I am really trying to learn as much as I can from this class so I’ve been able to keep Judge-Y at bay, for the most part.

On Monday, while I was lying on the ultrasound table, feeling fear, scary thoughts, and starting to try to reason myself out of them with arguments that now seem kind of ridiculous, I thought, “Wise mind, what should I do?”

Within a fraction of a second, I noticed that my heart was beating fast and started using paced breathing to slow it down. My heart rate is particularly responsive to breathing techniques so that helped settle me down considerably. It also gave me something to focus on, something in the present, which was much preferable to my worrying about the future.

“Wise mind, what should I do?” was a question that got me unstuck. It helped me shift my attention and thoughts, to cope more effectively, and to make my anxiety much more manageable.

I am finding, more and more, through my practice of mindfulness and the other techniques taught in this class that I am able to limit my suffering around scans to shorter periods of time. Another skill I used is called, “Coping Ahead”. It is not a mindfulness skill. Mindfulness is powerful but it is not always useful. Coping Ahead means identifying a stressful event that you know is happening in the future, identifying skills for handling it, and visualizing yourself successfully applying these skills (mental rehearsal).

When we covered this skill, I knew that my scan was coming up so I made a plan. To be honest, the plan was not perfectly laid out but I put many elements into place. I decided that the most difficult part of my anxiety around my scans was that I am irritable and on edge and end up getting upset with my family for no good reason. I have not only coped in a way that increases my own suffering but that of the people around me. I imagined what I would be like if I was not that way and identified the skills that would help me get there.

As it turned out, the actual scan and the hour or two around it, were much more stressful than I expected it to be. But I didn’t snap at my family. In fact, we had a wonderful weekend together.

When I wrote my last post, I was trying to convey the experience that many of us have as cancer patients. Although I have not had known cancer for nearly three years, I still consider myself to be a cancer patient. I don’t know if that will ever change. I wanted people to understand that. I also wanted people to understand that meaningful and joyful life is still possible, nonetheless.

There are aspects of my life that are scary. I feel my feelings. I think my thoughts. Some of you described my last post as “harrowing”. That’s a pretty intense adjective. I was a bit shocked by the reaction and then felt sorry for having distressed people. But if I really think about it, I was describing the experience of trauma cues and fears of being sick again. That’s pretty hardcore.

My writing and my mindfulness exercises help me put my terror in a transparent box, so that I can examine it, like a specimen. It is still painful. It is still scary. But it is a way for me to move forward without hiding from myself.

“Wise mind, what should I do?”

Live my life.

Every day.