Archives for category: Silly

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Much to my surprise, orange has become a theme in my breast cancer experience. I have written FIVE posts on the topic of orange. Here are two of those posts, the first written in August 2012, right before my mastectomy and the second in September 2012, right after my expander placement.

8/1/13: Future Job in the Chorus of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?

You remember who was in the chorus of the Gene Wilder musical classic? Yes, the Oompa Loompas. And what color were the Oompa Loompas? Yes, they were orange. And what color were my roots after using an unfortunate shade of Clairol Natural Instincts? Yes, they were a very deep shade of overripe cantalope. “Natural” Instincts, my ass!

I’ve never messed up a hair color before but I haven’t done it myself for several years and apparently, Clairol Natural Instincts uses a totally different formula than they did when I last used their products. And they are on a melon kick! Not to be seen in public (other than going to Target to get a fix for this), I used a non-permanent, normal looking reddish brown dye today. Ah, much better. Most of the melon is gone.

The Oompa Loompas would say that my parents are to blame for this mishap (“…the mother and the fa-ather”). However, the same thing happened to my mom and she warned me about it. When did I remember this? After I rinsed the color out of my hair! So, I’ve decided to blame Roald Dahl.

It will be so nice to be able to go back to the salon. It will happen.

P.S. The color was just like this except MORE orange. No lie.

The Oompa Loompas after disobeying their lax parents in the Clairol Factory and falling into a vat of Natural Instincts “Dark Auburn.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9/29/12: Wonky Wonka Boob

I forgot to mention the lovely fact that my breast looks like it is jaundiced or has carotene poisoning or something. This is because during surgery, Dr. Welk used betadine as an antiseptic, which contains iodine. Dr. Beatty, my breast cancer surgeon, never did that so I wasn’t expecting to be re-traumatized once again by having a part of my body turned Oompa Loompa color. It is a pretty wonky boob at this stage of the game and wonky is close to “Wonka” so hey, life is just having a little word play on me because it knows I’m always on the look out for good blog material. Maybe they’ve been reading my blog over at the Polyclinic and they actually used Clairol Basic Instincts, “Dark Auburn,” instead of betadine. (I’m totally kidding, wonderful people at the Polyclinic. I know you would never ever do something like that. I’m just getting my daily dose of humor about my breast cancer. Tee hee hee! Ho ho ho!!!)

I read online that hydrogen peroxide would take it off. It took off a little so now it’s slightly more yellow than orange. My skin is really sensitive so I should probably just leave it along for a few more days. But again, I blame Roald Dahl.

 

 

I am taking time off from writing new posts until August 26th. Now don’t fret. At this point of my life, I have an average of two life-changing epiphanies a week! So you know I will be back, with even more musings, angst, and merriment than ever before.

Speaking of silliness, I have set up my blogging schedule to deliver at least one of my favorite humorous blogs, each day. So, if you haven’t been reading long, it will be new material to you. And if you have been reading for a long time, perhaps it will be like seeing an old friend. Or if you read it but forgot it, it will be like one of those awkward encounters when you meet someone you assume is a stranger but with whom you actually went to high school. And that person recounts all of your teenaged shenanigans with, “Remember the time we…?”

I will warn you that at least a couple of the posts are ones that have already been re-posted as part of my “Best of Blog” category. Yes, I will be posting them for a third time. Although I love all of my children, there are a couple that did not get the love and attention they deserved the first or second time around. So like Mama Rose, I am pushing them back into the spot light regardless of what they want or what you want. AND YOU WILL LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH THIS TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

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I know I have been ranting lately about the cost of things–my Lupron shots (thousands of dollars) and my daughter’s school year book ($70).

So I thought I’d take a step back and stop ranting about how expensive things are.

Now I have a rant about how cheap something is. That something is a shot of Botox!

I passed a sign in my neighborhood advertising for $13 Botox injections!?!?!

If I wanted to become wrinkle free with injections of botulism, I want the expensive kind. Cheap botulism sounds kind of scary, like a long forgotten science project in the back of the refrigerator. I’m wondering if the clinic makes it themselves in the back room. (Note to self: If this business ever tries to expand their line of products to home canned produce, don’t buy any.)

Okay, wait a minute. Their website says “$13/unit.” I imagine that if you only need one unit, you don’t really have a use for Botox.

Order has been restored to my mind.

20130619_142247

There was about a month-and-a-half between my right side mastectomy and the placement of the tissue expander. Consequently, I lived with an “unleavened breast” for a good while. I needed some humor to help me deal with the state of my body. So I wrote, not one, not two, but three blogs with joke names for my breasts.  Looking back at this, it seems a bit absurd. But it did help get me through a rough time. Honestly, 

I originally posted Righty Needs a New Name on 8/28/13.

For some reason, I am finding a need to refer to the right side of my chest as something other than “surgical site.” It’s going to be several weeks before I start the temporary inflation process with the tissue expander so a name would be handy. And yes, I could stick with “righty” but that implies some kind of symmetry with “lefty”.  A few ideas of various levels of quality:

The Tissue Formerly Known as Righty
Breast-to-Be (I kind of like this one. Maybe a friend will throw me a shower before surgery. Yay, presents!)
Vegetarian Sweater Meat
Ugly Duckling (Some day it will turn into a bee-you-ti-ful swan.)
Breasterpillar (Some day it will turn into a bee-you-ti-ful breasterfly.)
Puppy Pupa (continuing with the metamorphosis theme)
Empty Jug
Sad Sack (waah!)
Berefticle (waah!)
Scarla
Storage Chest
Bosom in Waiting
Breast, in Space Saver Mode
Unleavened Breast
Late Bloomer
Bosom’s Buddy
Fixer Upper
Do-Over
The Start of Something Big
Under the Shoulder Boulder Holder

The next day, I had still not gotten this out of my system and I posted, The Name Game (Continued).

Okay, so my cousin, Beth got me thinking about coming up with names for both righty and lefty. They are a set of a kind. So here goes, my stream of consciousness. As I did yesterday, I will add more as inspiration arises:

Boob and Boo Boo
Scooby and Scrappy
Lefty and Lucy (inspired by John’s suggestion “Righty Tighty and Lefty Loose-y”, which is backwards, unfortunately)
Benjamin and Button
Mammy and Mummy
Party and Pooped
Ta-da! and To-do
Zan and Jayna (The Wonder Twins, suggestion thanks to Lisa)
Waggy and Baggy
Jiggly and Scraggly
Lennie and Squiggy
Herman and Pee Wee
Judy and Punched
Hit and Miss
Denver and Phoenix (Okay, a little obscure but think about it and then groan.)
Teton and Won Ton
Ham Bow and Big Ow
Yin and Yang
Mickey and Mini (spelling intentional and I hear you all groaning.)
Bonnie and Clyde
Cupid and Psyche
Ernie and Bert (Okay, this one makes no sense but made me smile so I’m keeping it.)
Lilo and Stitched
Oscar and Felix
Simba and Scar
Wow and Ow

On 8/31/13, my parents got into the act so of course, I posted it in, Name Game-Part III, A Family Affair.

So my mom has been dying to come up with a name to contribute to the name game. Earlier today she told me that she didn’t think she could think of something because because she “loved me too much” and didn’t want to make light of my cancer.

Oh how the love has faded because, drum roll please…, she has contributed:

Liv and Let Live

My dad, not to be left out and offering a mechanical interpretation:

Built and Re-Built

Both of those ideas made me laugh aloud after a very hard day. So I guess they love me a lot after all.

This post is inspired by Mogatos, the author of the excellent blog, Saying Nope to Breast Cancer.  She is in her early 30’s and had a prophylatic bilateral mastectomy due to her high genetic risk of breast cancer. Mogatos is a very courageous person who is helping lots of women. She has created a photo diary of her physical transformation since her mastectomy surgery in January. If you are interested in the two stage tissue expander/implant reconstruction process, I particularly recommend the site to you. Mogatos even painstakingly lists the costs of her medical care. Once I’m done with one of my medical bills, I don’t ever want to see it again.

I have had a request or two to see my reconstruction. I’m sorry to say that I am not evolved enough to share more than a photo of my belly button to the blogisphere. However, I have put together a visual showing my surgical process. Although breast cancer isn’t funny, using humor to cope with its threat is serious business.

smiley3

 

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My April posts have been loosely inspired by the WEGO Health Writers’ Monthly Challenge. I have yet to use any of their daily writing prompts until now. Today is the Haiku challenge! I have written a few haiku just for you! I have categorized them, because unlike good poetry, my haiku do not stand well on their own.

About acupuncture:

Freezing my butt off
Instead of constant hot flash
Needles are good, yay!

About TRAM surgery recovery:

Righty’s still swollen
Cleavage moved left of center
Tee hee hee, cancer.

On having 2012 annual taxes and 2013 estimated first quarter taxes due within two days of one another:

Taxes are due twice
In the mid-month of April
Self-employment, boo!

About these haiku:

Writing breast-themed poems
After years of instruction
Makes teachers cry hard.

There you have it, I have actually followed the challenge today!

My activist sign today reads: Follow directions when it suits you.

These tulips are a little frilly for early spring. The fancy tulips usually don't start blooming until it gets warmer. Maybe these are having hot flashes.

These tulips are a little frilly for early spring. The fancy tulips usually don’t start blooming until it gets warmer. Maybe these are having hot flashes.

P.S. One of my favorite children’s books is an illustrated compilation of haiku by Issa called, Cool Melons-Turn to Frogs. Here’s an example from the book:

Cool melons-
Turn to frogs!
If people should come near.
-Issa, translated by Mathew Gollub

Issa, you felt sorry for the melons at the market because they got eaten after they were purchased. Would you be interested in sampling some Soylent Green?

I finally got around to making the very healthy chia pudding recipe I posted from my dear friend, Mike, who practices Chinese medicine in New York City. Helen of My Lymph Node Transplant had made it a few days earlier and kindly noted that it was a bit on the bland side, so she had added extra dates to it. At that point Helen declared it, “very nice”. So I doubled the dates. I also ended up roasting my raw cashews after my husband reminded me that he is allergic to raw nuts. I also substituted olive oil for coconut oil. I couldn’t find the latter and I suspect my daughter has absconded with it to use as wax for some project she is doing in her room, perhaps making a surf board out of a tree branch or something. (I exaggerate her mad scientist shenanigans only slightly. Only this morning, I found a seafood fork in the shower.)

After I blended the pudding in the my food processor, I gave it a sniff. It had a pleasant, nutty aroma. The appearance is a nutty tan color. I did not think it looked bad. However, my husband, who will eat ANYTHING, wouldn’t even try a bite. I ate a little spoonful and it tasted good and the texture was similar to tapioca pudding, just as Mike had described in his introduction to the recipe. Wait, a minute. I just remembered something. I don’t like tapioca pudding because of the texture. Actually, I find the texture to be somewhat disgusting. Did I think the fact that this pudding has healthy ingredients was going to change this for me? Aaaah! I have become my grandmother. Unlike the stereotypical expectations of a first generation Italian immigrant, my nonna was a pretty lousy cook. I remember how incredulous she was when her soups didn’t turn out tasty. She would say, “But I put a whole stick of good butter in it and a wedge of good cheese.” She thought the quality of the ingredient trumped all. And grandma, why did you put all of that butter in the soup. Yuck! (My mother has read this post and believes I may have confused her mother with Paula Deen, the famous butter loving chef.)

So, I took all of this time and energy, not to mention the expense of the very healthy ingredients and ended up with Soylent Green! You don’t know what soylent green is? It’s the “plankton based” food that people had to eat in the dystopian future sci-fi movie of 1973 starring Charlton Heston. You see the world had ruined the environment and was running out of food. Charlton played a rugged and “sexy” cop whose wardrobe looked like a mash-up of Oliver Twist and Mork of Mork and Mindy. The masses in this society had to eat processed “plankton” crackers. But as Charlton learns by the end of the movie, there’s no plankton. “Soylent Green, it’s people, it’s people!”

Okay, so my initial batch of chia pudding reminded me of a film about cannibal crackers. That is not a good start. But I had put this much time into it and put lots of good ingredients in. So, like Katie Torlai before me, I started combining it with stuff. I added a couple of tablespoons of pudding to 2 tablespoons plain Greek yogurt, 2 tablespoons flax seed meal, and 3/4 of a peeled apple, sliced into small chunks. This concoction was to be my breakfast, which I have adopted as my “medicinal meal”, that is the way I get 2 tablespoons of flax seed meal into my diet each day. Consequently, my expectations for breakfast are low.

As I mixed up my small vat of chunky, seedy, goo, the appearance points for the dish dropped from 1/4 of a star to zero stars. It looked really unappealing. I took a taste, fully expecting to exclaim, “Soylent Green, it’s chia, it’s chunky, yogurty, seedy chia!”

To my surprise, the added ingredients actually improved the dish’s texture score from 0 stars to 1 star. It no longer reminded me of the goo from badly cooked okra. The flavor rating was bumped up to 1 1/2 stars.

Ding, ding, ding! Marginally palatable breakfast is served!

Photo from Wikipedia

I just offered Charlton a spoonful of pudding. Coward!!!!
Photo from Wikipedia

P.S. I almost forgot that it is Health Activist Writers’ Challenge month. Today, my health activist sign reads as follows:

You are what you eat, especially if you live in a dystopian future complete with Soylent Green as the only food option.

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