The Crying Game

September 16, 2012 //

Not that Crying Game, a different one this time. Although I have been doing really well, I know that I’ve been through a lot and have a lot of surgery and adjustments still to come. Some of the most difficult times in my life have been after weathering stressful life circumstances rather than during. Because of this, I started going to therapy with a psychologist who has a lot of experience with people with serious medical conditions. I’ve had two sessions and now we have about a month break because she is having a major surgery. (She’s okay, just taking care of a chronic health issue.)

When I last saw her, she challenged me a bit. I had told her that I wanted to make sure I grieved and processed my experience so that I could remain healthy rather than getting depressed or super anxious later. She agreed with my goal but also said that the way to do this may not fit comfortably with my active coping style. She said, “It’s probably going to mean crying a lot.” She later said something along the lines of “How screwed up is it that you got cancer.” My reply was something like, “Well, I know you want me to cry (she started laughing at this point), but I know that bad things happen. I have so many things in life that have been wonderful. On the balance, I don’t feel like my life has been unfair.” She also challenged me to consider a “worst case scenario” future in which my cognitive functioning (my memory and stuff, which has been a struggle lately) never came back to where it was before and how that might impact my identity, especially related to my family (since I am in charge of remembering everything) and my work. (I don’t think she really meant “worst case” because there are way worse outcomes with cancer.)

On the one hand, if it turns out that I am unintentionally keeping myself from thinking the difficult thoughts and feeling the bad feelings, this is a good line for her to follow. On the other hand, I have worked hard in my life not to “borrow trouble”, not to ruminate on what “might be” when I can’t do anything but wait and see what happens. To me, if my mind does not totally come back due to the impact of stress or medication side effects, I can deal with it when and if the time comes. Further, I like the way I feel now. I like having a positive attitude. I like being funny. I like smiling at people and they smile back. I like the reasonable part of my mind that keeps me from getting overwhelmed with my catch phrases like, “patience persistence peace” and “almost every problem has a solution.”

My therapist says that a common challenge among breast cancer survivors is how cancer impacts their identity. I have certainly thought about this and continue to do so. How does my having a serious illness impact my identity as a strong and healthy person? How does losing a breast impact my identity as a woman? How does trusting others to take care of me impact my identity as a self-reliant nurturer? How does cancer impact my identity as a wife and mom? I have had many tests to my identity in the past that seemed a lot harder than this. Maybe I am kidding myself. I have a voice in my head and heart that says, “I know who I am. I am not completely defined by what happens to me. There is a core me that doesn’t change.”

Then again if my identity is so strong, it surely will not crumble if I challenge it. So here is my plan. Since I am one of those people who cries at movies and books, I am going to do some cancer reading. I’ve done some but it has all been medical stuff to help me make good decisions and know more about breast cancer as well as it’s treatment. I mean that I’m going to read some breast cancer memoirs. I’ve chosen a group of books and loaded free samples on my Kindle. Some of the authors lived and others did not. We’ll see what this reading dredges up for me.

As for my other goals, I still plan to get those going. I started taking walking breaks last week at work and will continue to do so this week. I am continuing Weight Watchers and regular massage. I am also in the process of scheduling an initial consultation with a naturopath who specializes in oncology. I want to make more consistent use of mindfulness meditation practices so I have downloaded an 8 week mindfulness course for cancer patients onto my Kindle and will follow it.

Let the games begin.

Categories Facts, Feelings

Wow, September you deserve a sticker, too!

September 15, 2012 //

As a little consolation prize for my summer of surgeries, we’ve had absolutely glorious weather this month and the forecast is for this sunny spell to continue for the foreseeable future. The night time lows are still supposed to stay about 50, too so that means I can leave the tomatoes on the vine for awhile.

Speaking of tomatoes, I have managed to grow another interesting garden oddity, conjoined twin cherry tomatoes. (Note to self: Hold the phone further away from the subject, when taking pictures. Also, I know this photo begs for cheap breast jokes. I challenge you to resist unless you think of something really clever.)

Tomatoes of the world, unite!

Categories Not Cancer-the other part of my life

Better than a sticker!

September 14, 2012 //

In my work, I love to give kids recognition for their accomplishments with praise, stickers, and points that they can cash in for prizes (toys, pencils, etc). I actually have a tiered prize box with four levels. They can use their points to “buy” 1, 4, 10, and 20-point prizes. And what do they earn points for? They earn points for doing things that are hard for them, like answering personal questions (in my therapy games), waiting their turn to talk, keeping calm when they are disappointed, cleaning up after their done playing with my toys, and doing their therapy homework which typically involves things like facing their fears, managing their anger well, and practicing self-soothing techniques like relaxation breathing.

Occasionally, I meet folks who are philosophically opposed to giving kids any kind of reward. There’s even a famous educational writer who says that one shouldn’t praise children because they will turn into “praise junkies.” Since praise includes giving any kind of compliment as well as expressing appreciation and gratitude, I find this to be ridiculous. Why shouldn’t children be provided with sincere encouragement and appreciation, especially when they are doing something that is hard for them? Also, they get corrected by adults all of the time! Kids’ lives are complicated and can be very hard. When I praise a child for waiting for a turn to speak and also give him/her points, I am also helping teach an important skill for making friends. Kids who interrupt a lot have trouble making friends and having meaningful conversations that ultimately lead to close intimate relationships. That’s just one small example.

But before you all start talking about undermining intrinsic motivation (research in this area is slight, by the way, and doesn’t apply to the situations I describe, anyway), I’ll get to my point. I too, appreciate sincere praise. I also like getting the occasional sticker! One of my internship supervisors was Dr. Sheila Eyberg, a psychologist famous for being the lead developer of Parent-Child Interaction Therapy, a psychotherapy for parents and their young children. The program, like most parent training programs, teaches parents how to praise and show other positive attention (including concrete rewards) to kids when they are behaving in ways that show social emotional growth. Sheila applied these principles to us, as well. Some of the interns didn’t like it. However, it was a red letter day for me when I pulled out one of my reports, for an evaluation I’d done under Sheila’s supervision. On the top of the report was an ice cream sticker and a note, “Good report, Elizabeth!” As interns we worked long hours, were thrown into new situations constantly, and since it was an assessment heavy internship placement, I was writing reports all of the time. I loved the sticker and compliment that Sheila gave me. It was awesome.

So what’s this have to do with breast cancer, you ask? I recently mentioned my cousin’s wife, Brenda, also a breast cancer survivor. (By the way, Brenda finished her 20 miles today of the first day of her 60 mile, 3 day, Susan Komen breast cancer walk. Go, Brenda!!!) I don’t know where she got her treatment but my mom told me that when she was done, she was given a “model patient” certificate. My first thought? “I want one of those.” Then I laughed my ass off at myself (in my head) for that being my first thought. This is actually the first time I’ve let that thought leave my brain because come on, it’s a little embarrassing.

But today I got something better than a sticker! Two sweet little thank you emails. I had sent individual thank you note to Dr. Beatty and the other medical staff in the office. I got one note from the reception coordinator, Alysia and the other from Dr. Beatty. And yes, I would have been fine without this praise, it was nice to get. I believe that I can be a “praise thriver” without becoming a “praise junkie.” And Brenda, even if you don’t walk another single step this weekend, I’ve got a sheet of stickers with your name on it!

Categories Feelings

Words, you fail me!

September 13, 2012 //

It was a big day today and I’ve spent an embarrassingly large portion of it trying to think of a catchy blog title. I was thinking about the title, “Walking toward Boobalon” after the poem that contains the line, “Walking toward Babylon.” Then I went on my fact-checking mission and realized that there is no such a poem. Then I remembered that it wasn’t “walking” it was “slouching”. Then I realized I was thinking of the Yeats’ poem, “The Second Coming” that contains the line, “Slouches toward Bethlehem.” Eek! I can’t boobify Bethlehem! That’s going over a line that even the woman who spent three days thinking of breast nicknames and another day describing the state of her nipple, is unwilling to cross. One might argue that boobify-ing Babylon, also in the Bible would be too much. But as I recall, Babel (another name for Babylon) just generated a lot of spoken languages, a far cry from the city in which Jesus was born. Plus, Babylon was founded by a man named Nimrod. Babylon is just a nugget of comedy gold.

So I decided that rather than waste more time trying to be clever with my title for the blog, I’d just better get writing. I had an appointment with the plastic surgeon today. I was worried about it because he has been kind of vague about the timeline for reconstruction and given how busy he is, I was afraid he’d give me another, “Come back in four weeks, we’ll see how things are going, and then a few weeks later, we’ll do the first part of reconstruction.” Thankfully, he was happy with my healing and said that we could schedule my next procedure, which is the placement of a tissue expander to be gradually filled with saline.So I was excited until I met with the surgery scheduler who said, “He’s so booked. I’ve been scheduling into late November.” Then she found a couple of cancellations and we settled on September 26th. This surgery will be in his office and take about an hour.

Dr. Welk said that he will initially fill the saline expander (basically like an implant) about half full. So in bread-making terms, my “unleavened breast” will proceed to the “sponge” stage. A sponge is basically a mixture of a little bit of flour with liquid and yeast, which is allowed to ferment before adding flour and making a dough. Bakeries use this multi-step process. Home cooks like me usually skip the sponge part because it requires an extra day. But good reconstruction, like a loaf of artisan bread, takes patience.

So save the date! September 26th is stage 1 of the leavening process!

Categories Facts, Silly

Internet game of telephone

September 13, 2012 //

Their are a number of statistics displayed on my WordPress administrator page. You know the usual things like number of hits each day. One bit of information that gets posted is “top searches”. I presume these are search terms that people type into Google or other search engines that lead them to my blog. John says that’s what it is, too though sometimes given the search terms displayed, it’s hard to believe.

Today’s top search terms? “Jon Hamm’s wardrobe malfunction.” That’s not so unbelievable because really, who doesn’t want to see that? But how did these search terms connect with my blog, you ask?
I laughed when I realized how this happened. The “wardrobe malfunction” part was easy. One of my posts is titled, “Wardrobe, from malfunction to function” or something along those lines. (Yes, I am too lazy to look it up, even as I am writing in the very same blog.) In this post I complain about having to wear pants to deal with my surgical drain and how I prefer to wear dresses. This statement prompted a comment from my cousin, Beth about how she doesn’t wear dresses because she usually doesn’t wear underwear. The following conversation ensued:

E: Hee! Who knew that you and John Hamm have something very special in common? You both go commando!

B: I knew John Hamm & I were meant for each other. Have you seen the “Hamm & Buble’ ” skit on SNL? It is brilliant if you’re looking for a good laugh.

M (Martha, my mom has entered the conversation. The “Joe” to which she refers is my dad.): To make things more interesting, Joe and I take turns wearing pants and dresses! (Mom, you are the Betty White of moms.)

E: Very funny, Mom! And yes and I think Jon Hamm was meant for all of us! Have you ever seen that picture of him in high school as the star quarterback? He looked amazing even then. http://www.buzzfeed.com/akdobbins/jon-hamm-in-high-school

B: oh jeez, no teenager should look that good. He should have had to suffer at least a few pimples or awkward moments.

I love my family’s combination of affection and humor! And Jon Hamm, if you ever want to make a comment on my blog, that’s okay by me.

Categories Silly

Which box should I check?

September 11, 2012 //

My mother’s cousin Rick’s wife, Brenda is also a breast cancer survivor. She is one of the many people taking part in the Susan G. Komen Three-Day walk this weekend. She will walk a total of 60 miles in three days! I could write a whole post about walking 60 miles in three days. Good Heavens, that’s a long way! I would like to do next year’s Three-Day Spa walk. Hmm, I anticipate a problem. I don’t think anyone would sponsor me. Going to a spa a day for three days is not quite as impressive as walking 20 miles a day, camping out two nights in pink tents. I bet it’s a life changing positive experience, though. And just think of all of the mental and physical benefits from the training, before hand.

Back to my main story. I made a contribution online for Brenda’s three day walk. To answer one of the questions on the form, I had to choose from one of a number of check boxes labeled, “I am a cancer survivor”, “I am a friend/loved one of a cancer survivor”, and “I am not affected by cancer.” I checked “I am a cancer survivor” because although I am still in treatment, I am also still breathing, last I checked.

Categories Uncategorized

Ladies Who Lunch

September 11, 2012 //

Last Thursday, I had lunch Lynette Williams Carter. She and I went to school and Sunday school together. Although we didn’t really hang out in high school, we had a mutual friend, Teresa Sever (now Mjelde), and were friendly with each other. So when I saw her on Facebook a few months ago, I asked her to be a FB friend and she accepted. I had been keeping my cancer treatment off of Facebook but last month when I posted something along the lines of “Yay, I got some great news about my health” a couple of friends commented about my cancer. This resulted in my receiving several emails from Facebook friends offering prayers, well wishes, and help. Lynette was one of those people.

Lynette lives a ways north of me but was visiting downtown Seattle last Thursday for a BIG JOB INTERVIEW. She wrote and asked if I was up for a visit. I was glad to hear from her. We’d exchanged a few emails and she’d been a frequent commenter on this blog. It turns out we have a fair bit in common and she had been posted some really kind, thoughtful, and witty comments on my blog. So I’d been meaning to contact her to thank her for her support.

We had a great lunch at Pike Place Market and enjoyed a walk to Pacific Place, where we were both parked. Later that day, Lynette emailed me and said that as she turned into her driveway on the ride home, her phone rang. She was offered the BIG JOB! She must have been all kinds of impressive during the interview.

I hope that Lynette and I keep in touch. I am thankful for the blessings that I have received over my life, especially lately.

Categories Feelings

Back to work

September 10, 2012 //

I went back to work after having taken a month off. This is the longest stretch of time I’ve had off from work since my honeymoon in 1990. My honeymoon was way better. I was excited to be back. I didn’t do all that much. My schedule was SUPER light. I am still tired. I’m glad I didn’t over schedule. It’s going to take awhile for me to get my brain and stamina back.

Speaking of my brain, it is getting better daily. However, I did have a foggy moment today in interacting with one of the parents I work with. I apologized, “I’m sorry. My brain isn’t quite back yet.” Her reply, “That’s okay. Now you’re where the rest of us have been for years!”

Categories Not Cancer-the other part of my life