I am kind of a beast in the kitchen. I am absorbed with cooking and getting things done. Focused on these goals I can sometimes miss dangers. This is why I often burn myself and even more often, put bruises on my hips by not taking care around the sharp corners of counters. I typically notice these injuries for only a short time and keep going. Later I might feel pain and wonder, “What happened?”
Breast cancer treatment requires a lot of corner cutting when it comes to the rest of life. There are things that fall by the wayside. I think this is a significant part of the reason that recovery takes so long. Not only does it take time for strength to return (assuming that it does at all) but even after returned we find ourselves with a lot more work to do.
There’s no such thing as cutting corners without a consequence. Work accumulates. As for myself, I have a huge amount of filing that did not get done for the last almost three years. And then there’s the relationship attention that did not occur. Spouses and children who got short shrift.
You know those people in our lives that missed out or are still missing out on us? They are also feeling ripped off. They want their due. They want restitution for the extra work that they do. And like people, they look to other people for that restitution. They want more of us. We want more of them.
Cancer, you deserve the lion’s share of the blame. But you are scary and abstract. You are deadly. You will never change on your own volition. Blaming you is so very unsatisfying. You don’t love us. Our friends and family do. So, it makes so much more sense to expect more of them, right?
Or does it?
My Eyes Are Up Here 
dear Elizabeth,
it’s so hard to look back and see that while cancer took so much, and left so little reserve. we are left in the aftermath of trying to ease back into our lives and our relationships. the complications, the set-backs, the grief of losses that must be given their due is so all consuming. I think what strikes a chord with your post is probably one that resonates with most of us. I don’t know what the answer is, but I do empathize with the fall-out, especially where it concerns family we deem have been short shrifted. we can say that it is what it is, we can realize that we did the best we were able to do at the time. but I know that never seems enough. I have had to take many steps back in order to see and feel just how cancer is a thief to everyone it touches. but I refuse to beat myself up because blame is not constructive and it will never fill the gaping holes of pain that we wish could have been spared for our loved ones. we can’t expect ourselves to “get over it”, but as we become more aware of how we feel, we may be just lucky enough to find ways to “get through it”. my hope for all of us is that we are able to move forward, to continue to do the best we are able and render to ourselves good self care – for as the caregivers come to some semblance of healing, we will be much better equipped to actually partner up in the healing together. forgiving ourselves and loving ourselves is hard – but it sends a powerful message that can reaffirm that LOVE is always the answer.
much love to you, my Sweet Friend,
Karen OXO