My Wednesday “learning to keep my shit together” class reconvened this week after a holiday break. The topic for the evening was acceptance, a mindfulness practice. The purpose of mindfulness is to reduce suffering. Acceptance is one process by which suffering is reduced.
I am working very hard to accept some hard truths about my life, some about my present and some potential truths in my future. These are truths about my life as an individual, as a wife, and as a parent. As I was thinking about this, one of the instructors wrote two equations on the white board:
Pain + acceptance = pain
Pain + non-acceptance = suffering
I think of pain and suffering as synonymous. But this is not a dictionary course or a vocabulary test. And I have to admit that “suffering” sounds worse than “pain”. Suffering sounds like pain with a large side dish of something nasty. Perhaps the space between pain and suffering, within this framework, is filled with a roil of self-inflicted things. Another way to say this is that suffering may result from coping with pain in a way that enhances it and perhaps makes it last for a longer time. Everyone does this from time to time.
There are “hot button” issues for me. There are experiences that I have for which I have an immediate, negative response. They push a fear button, an anger button, or a grief button. And as I am having the response, I often know that it is out of scale. I have gotten upset too quickly and too intensely. There are also times when I feel stress in the back of my mind and it wakes me at night or invades my dreams. I think these are examples of suffering.
Acceptance is a process, a continuum. I am trying to work my way. So far I am learning that there is a cognitive part. In order to accept something I need to acknowledge it. I need to name it. I need to reason with it. That is what I have mostly been working on for the past couple of years. The acceptance that takes place in my mind. On Wednesday, our homework was to think about what acceptance would look like for each of us as behaviors. If we accepted the aspect of life with which we were struggling and suffering, how would our behavior be different?
Changing my behavior, making it consistent with acceptance, is really hard. I have been making a concerted effort on this for the past month or so. I have seen changes. I have experienced shifts to a more positive place. My anger and fear are reduced. My pain and sadness are still there but the suffering is getting less.
My Eyes Are Up Here 
can i order
a non acceptance
without the pain, please 🙂
🙂
On my way home from St. James I saw a tall slender man wrapped in a blanket. He was headed toward a medic van parked across the street. I wondered whether he was homeless and lived in one of the tents that line the area near the freeway, or had just walked out of Harborview.
Gratitude for many blessings fill my heart.
Yes, we have many blessings, Mom.
dear Elizabeth,
such a thought provoking post, and I am very grateful you shared those equations. I am learning the truth of them, the values of them especially as they pertain to grief, and as they pertain to acceptance. it really helps to be reminded that acceptance is a process. I think that sometimes we can be so very hard on ourselves as we try to move forward. it’s so difficult and so confusing, but what you have shared in this post really gives me reassurance and hope that I, too, will be able to see the lessening of suffering.
with much love and gratitude,
Karen ooxoo
I wish you much health, healing, and love, Karen.
It is interesting to me that for you acceptance involves cognition and working within your mind. You seem to approach it with an active frame of mind.
For me, acceptance is within my heart. During mindfulness practice, I try to name the emotion in my heart as I face the pain- so far, I’ve recognised betrayal, blame, anger, feeling “it’s unfair”. Acceptance came to me passively, and when I let go whatever I’m holding on to.
I think when you dream, you are actually dreaming of the un-named thing that is causing suffering.
That is interesting and for me, there has been letting go, but you are right in that this follows active examination. I have an active coping style, so this makes sense for me. I would say that observation in terms of mindfulness is active and has both cognitive and affective components. Those distinctions also come from my background as a psychologist and the class I am taking is also from that framework. Other approaches to mindfulness, I assume might be different. Thanks for commenting and raising these questions!
I wish you peace and strength on this journey Elizabeth. It is a long, twisting path but I’m certain we are better off walking it than staying put with fear, anger, pain and suffering. Suffering is all consuming whereas pain -physical or emotional – can be managed.
Thank you, dear.