Ha! If you found this blog entry via Google when you were looking for some porn, you have been punked! This is a middle-aged lady’s breast cancer blog. And when you add the word “cancer” to the name of a body part, even an ordinarily sexy one like the breast loses its allure. Now to my other blog readers, if you are worried about my glee in naming a post “fun in bed” and fantasizing about leading porn readers to my site, let me explain.

A few years ago, I was searching on Google for “free holiday clip art.” I was trying to find border art for our annual Christmas letter. You know, just another day in the life of a mom and wife, engaged in  a wholesome family-oriented activity. So I saw a link titled, “Free holiday clipart. Halloween. Thanksgiving. Christmas. Valentine’s Day.” I clicked on it and much to my horror, I entered a couple’s home made porn site! Aaaaaaaaagh, my eyes! And by the way, they were not cute. And double by the way, if I were ever to meet these folks, I would say, “I have a little suggestion for you to help improve your photographic skills. I’m glad you have a zoom on your camera but a tight shot like that really detracts from the subject. You might want to zoom out a little and use a light diffusing filter. You may also want to take future photos with the lens cap on. And, Dude, so sorry about your scar. The trauma you must have experienced with a circumcision gone awry. Other than that, big props on keeping it spicy in the bed room!”

And if you feel sorry for these people, don’t. I was lured to this site. For those of you who are unfamiliar with how websites are set up, let me explain. There are these things called “meta tags” that you attach to your website. Basically, they are key words. People can’t see them but when they use them in their Internet searches, they will be directed to your site. For example, for my business website, I assigned meta tags such as “psychologist”, “child psychologist”, “ADHD”, “Seattle”, etc. That helps people find my site when they search through Google or another search engine. So yes, that means that these do-it-yourself porn stars assigned “holiday clipart” as a meta tag to their site!!!!!!!!! They were just waiting for some unsuspecting mom to click on their link and view them in their gory glory!

Okay, so now that I have successfully accomplished my revenge on Internet porn, I’ll tell you the real story behind the title for this post. First, I had quite interesting dreams last night. In one of them, I traveled to some European country, it was probably Hungary since John was just there. However, in my dream it was a country that hosted the winter Olympics recently, as I was informed by a tour guide. I visited a mountainous area where the games were held. It was filled with glass sculptures (suspiciously Chihuly-esque) and there was a mountain in the background. It was a stunning scene so I started taking pictures. Of course, as soon as I started taking pictures it became instantly dark outside. The rest of the country tour was interesting. Despite the alpine climate, the area was full of tropical plants like palm trees. I remember thinking, “Wow, this is weird. Why is it warm with palm trees in Europe during this time of year?” Also, in the tour, we were doing a helicopter tour at times and a bus tour at other times. On the bus tour, we saw lots of architecture. However, the buildings were really cartoonish and the whole vibe was more like a Disney park. Maybe I’d made it to Euro Disney. (Hmm, I wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that my husband’s business trip to Hungary was for his job at Disney. Let me ponder that one for a few hours.)

 
I remember less from the second dream but I have no idea where it came from. I was in college and Natalie Portman was one of my dorm mates. And she was famous in the dream. She was trying to get me to buy this special kind of underwear that she favored. They had a liner and an outer layer, which looked like a pair of board shorts. They were really bulky and dumb looking. Natalie enthused, “If you buy some, we can share!” I said, “Gee, Natalie I’m don’t really want to share underwear with you.” She clarified that she only meant the board short part. I was not convinced and also pointed out that we also would not wear the same size. I forget what else happened. Aha, I just pieced together the random thoughts that created this dream. I’m not going to say anything, I’ll let all of you speculate on my unconscious.

Finally, my last big of “fun in bed” occurred when I was doing my mindfulness meditation. Ollie, our monster-sized cat, decided that he needed some attention. Suddenly, I feel his full weight on me, including on my abdominal incisions. Not super painful but not my favorite, either. Then he started sniffing my face which is his greeting and request for petting. He got bored and jumped off of me. A few moments later, he did a do over and he was on me again. Ordinarily, I would have stopped what I was doing (meditating) because I wasn’t “doing it right.” Instead, I kept meditating and instead of trying to block him out, I tried to calmly notice what was going on. (That’s part of mindfulness.) So I thought, “Now Ollie has jumped on my abdominal incisions. Observing, without judgment, I’ve go to say that it hurts a little, etc.” I kid a little, especially about the “observing without judgment” part (it’s an ever present catch phrase in mindfulness). But I have to say that it worked in making what would usually be an irritating experience into a useful and slightly humorous exercise. It was a good start to the day.