The pathology report was not ready today so no news. I have a follow-up appointment with my surgeon tomorrow so it should be ready by then. The appointment is not until the afternoon. Before then I will be trying to distract myself from thinking about it.
Stay tuned.
John’s birthday is actually tomorrow, but I have work followed by a big doctor’s appointment, which could potentially usurp his birthday. Even if the pathology report has good news, I may be too pooped to party.
Anyway, back to John. As most of you know, my husband is an awesome guy. I was almost 21 years old when we met. I had not dated much in high school at all and had a few boyfriends in college, none of them being the greatest match for me or vice versa. As only a young adult’s logic can take them, I was coming to the conclusion that perhaps my lack of luck with men was a calling to become a nun, sort of by default. I was seriously considering meeting with Sister Catherine, at our church when I met John in a writing class at U.W. We both needed to take a writing class as a graduation requirement. This particular class, which had about 20 students, was linked to a huge lecture class taught by the famous history professor, Jon Bridgman. That class had about 500 students and covered classical history.
I first noticed John’s intelligence and kindness. He was a thoughtful speaker. It was clear that he liked to read (myself also a book lover) and that he took his education seriously. (I’d had a previous boyfriend or two who was more interested in begging me for my lecture notes instead of attending class.) There were a few minor obstacles, like the fact that he had a long distance girlfriend and that although he thought I was beautiful and a nice person, he didn’t like me. In his words, I was “loud and obnoxious.” I also thought his sense of humor was pretty lame and corny. (Yes, I know this is a shock since John is known for his wit.) But John was at times so amused with the absurd thoughts in his mind that he would just laugh for 20 minutes straight only to be able to choke out a word or two between guffaws, for example, “cock roaches!” See, not so hilarious without knowing his mind.
In the 25 years that John and I have been together, I sometimes think of how different my life would have been if I had just moved on after John told me that I was too loud and obnoxious for him or when he told me that he had a girlfriend. Something told me that things would work out and that we would be a good pair. Plus, my mom even liked him based on description and said that I should be patient because he sounded like a really good guy.
John and I were in different states during the 1st of his birthdays he’s had since we’ve been together. It was the summer of 1987 and he was working at fish canneries in Alaska. For his birthday, I made him two care packages. The first was “things that don’t smell like fish” and I filled it with homemade potpourris and sachets of herbs. The second box was “things that don’t taste like fish” and it was filled with homemade baklava and other goodies. I’ve never thought of this before but in the last several years, we’ve traditionally celebrated John’s birthday with a “seafood blow-out”, which is my cooking all kinds of seafood for dinner.
We might need to hold off on the “seafood blow-out” tomorrow. Did I mention that I’ve been pretty tired lately? Instead, I offer this “gratitude blow-out” to John. Happy Birthday, John. I’m glad I was patient with you and I’m glad that you took a chance on me! You are a wonderful person, husband, and dad.
So my pain level is low but so is my energy. I did actually put on normal clothes today as well as make up and got a pedicure. (John came with me at my request and got the guy’s pedicure. I had offered to let him pick out my nail color then thought better of it as I saw him reaching for green polish with enormous glitter flakes in it.) Then a little lunch and I am pooped again. This healing thing takes energy. I’m going to try to take a nap.
I love my garden. I got to walk around in it a little today. Plus, my friend Jennie came by with a lasagna (thanks, Jennie) and we got to smell the roses together. The roses are in bloom right now and I cut a bouquet for the inside of the house.
I wish I could share the fragrance, too!
I think John had something else in mind in terms of taking care of me. When I was first diagnosed last month he went directly to his HR department to find out how much paid leave he could use to take care of me. He soberly reported, “It’s not as good as I hoped. It’s only 5 weeks.” My reply, “John, I’m not going to hospice care. Five weeks is plenty.” (Plus, there’s the whole self-employed part of me that thinks, “Paid leave? Woo hoo! What are you complaining about?”)
So I think he had something more along the lines of the English Patient type care taking. The fact that I am doing much better than anyone expected is confusing. This morning, he started talking about movies again. The man is seriously passionate about seeing movies when they are in the theater. And his motivation to include me in this passion has ramped up recently. He would probably laugh at me, but I suspect this is his way of checking that I will still be around for him. That’s understandable and sweet but it is also irritating. I know that I have a hard time not feeling responsible for people. I’m actually feeling a little guilty that I don’t want to go to the movies this weekend and that John is feeling bored taking care of me. I know it’s irrational but since I have not yet learned to let go of this, I end up feeling annoyed with my husband who is just doing his best in dealing with a scary situation over which he has almost no control. Though I have to say, the fact that he has a good job and carries my health insurance is no small feat. Having excellent health insurance is an enormous privilege. I hope our country keeps moving toward shifting it from a privilege to a right.
Okay, now I’ve gone from annoyance to gratitude. Thanks again, Blog!
So, I am doing pretty well today, one day after surgery. My pain rating (on a scale of 0-10) is about about 1-2. John says he is running out of things to do around the house and noted that I don’t seem to need much besides a steady supply of decaf coffee. He asked my plans for the day. Plans? Sitting on my butt is my plan. Perhaps I confused him when I unloaded the dishwasher this morning with my left hand. (The surgery was on the right side.) Yes, I know you are all yelling at me in your heads as you read this. I am following the directions given to me by my nurse! I am taking it easy.
Anyway, John asked me “Do you want to go to a movie today. If not, I can go without you.”
“And leave me home alone?”
“Well, you haven’t really needed me much.”
“What if I get an infection? I’m not cool with you leaving today and I don’t want to go to a movie. I think it would be uncomfortable to sit in a theater.”
John did not need much convincing to stay home. I just think he needs to be needed. People just being around is a lot of help. A hard part of this process is that I don’t know how much help I will need and what kind I will need. I know that’s hard for John, too.
I promise to stay away from the dishwasher for the rest of the day.
Okay, I got bored resting within two hours of getting home. The biggest thrill was my first trip to the bathroom, which yielded blue pee. This would have been more exciting if I had not been warned of this ahead of time. (The reason? There was blue dye in the radioactive isotope for the sentinel node biopsy). Also, it might have been a little more exciting if it were a different color. Given the popularity of blue as a color for toilet cleaners, blue toilet water is actually kind of mundane. Plus, my pee color changed back to normal really quickly. Bored again.
This does not mean that I am not resting. I am still resting, just restlessly doing so. It’s not as if my couch cushions are unfamiliar with my butt, either. I can very easily waste time on the couch surfing, reading my Kindle, etc when I have a pile of laundry waiting for me to fold. Wasting time on the couch is so much more fun when it is every so slightly naughty than when it is mandatory.
I will be good. I will rest. I will be bored. Bored is way better than many alternatives. It’s like I told the anesthesiologist when he kept apologizing about having a hard time getting my veins to present themselves so that he could run an I.V. (It wasn’t his fault. My veins are tricky. Plus, he didn’t have to make more than one attempt with the needle, which has happened multiple times with other folks.) I just told him, “You all are trying to save my life. In the larger scheme of things, this is no big deal at all.”
I will be bored. Boredom I can live with.
Okay, so the post I put up about the hate-spam I received on my “Lots of Kindness” post, also got hate-spammed! And with the very same hate-spam as before. This time I copied it so you can see for yourself:
The subsequent time I read a weblog, I hope that it doesnt disappoint me as much as this one. I imply, I do know it was my option to read, however I truly thought youd have something fascinating to say. All I hear is a bunch of whining about something that you might fix if you happen to werent too busy looking for attention.
Also, received today FROM THE VERY SAME SPAMMER IN RESPONSE TO THE VERY SAME POST:
I needed to create you this tiny word to finally thank you once again with your awesome tips you’ve shared here. This is so incredibly open-handed with people like you in giving freely just what many people could possibly have offered as an electronic book to get some money on their own, precisely since you might have tried it if you ever wanted. These strategies also acted to become good way to be certain that other people online have the same desire the same as my own to realize somewhat more regarding this matter. I’m certain there are several more pleasurable sessions in the future for those who find out your website.
See Mom? They are not reading my posts. These are just ridiculous attempts at getting me to visit their websites.
The hospital stay was shorter than I thought it might be. Surgery went well and I feel pretty okay all things considered. Also, there was a bit of a miscommunication on our end with relatives. If you heard a rumor that I had lymph nodes removed, that is not true. For those of you keeping score at home, this is what I had done today:
1) Placement of a wire guide in my breast to help the surgeon in locate the tumor and surrounding margin of healthy tissue, all to be removed. (For those of you with more questions about margins, you will have to wait until the pathologist’s report.)
2) Sentinel node biopsy: Basically, they biopsied some of my lymph nodes, special ones called “sentinel nodes” to see if any cancer has spread to my lymph nodes. Prior to surgery, there was about a 10% probability of lymph node involvement. About 2% of the time, the surgeon is able to see that there is evidence of spread and if so, lymph nodes are removed at the same time as the lumpectomy. Dr. Beatty said that he did not see anything. So that lowers the chance of lymph node involvement to about 8%. The pathologist will be able to determine this and the pathology report will be available on Friday or Monday.
3) Lumpectomy: Dr. Beatty removed about a golf-ball sized piece of tissue. The majority of the tissue was healthy because he was trying to remove the tumor encased in a “margin” of healthy tissue. He tried to get margins of about 1.5 centimeters and he said that about 1/3 of the time, he is able to get at least a 1 cm margin, which is good. But there is some very experienced guessing that goes into the process with such a small tumor.
Everyone at Swedish was awesome, efficient and warm at the same time. My friend, George may be particularly happy to hear that my anesthesiologist had good bedside manner and even better, I did not have any nausea or other ill effects from the anesthetic.
Join us this summer for our reunion in Renton, WA!
George Lakoff has retired as Distinguished Professor of Cognitive Science and Linguistics at the University of California at Berkeley. His newest book "The Neural Mind" is now available.
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