Archives for posts with tag: weight loss

As a mother of an almost 17 year old girl, I try to keep my mouth shut when it comes to what she chooses to wear. What girls and women “should” wear. Yikes, what a thorny question. As a feminist, I hate the way clothing is so sexualized even for young girls. I remember seeing a two year-old wearing a sundress with darts sewn in at her chest, as if she had breasts. Maybe it’s a small thing but seriously, why would a clothing manufacturer make the extra effort involved to do this? On the other hand, I understand that for teens, dressing in different ways is an important part of identity development and part of that development is sexual. As a feminist, I hate the way girls are shamed by adults and peers about what they wear because it is “distracting” to boys or is “slutty” or “whorish”.

Another thing I keep my mouth shut about is her weight. Yes, it is true that 1/3 of adults are obese, that she eats an unhealthy diet, and that she no longer exercises regularly. However, there are so many messages to girls and women about what they should way and how they should look that it is nearly impossible to have a conversation about weight. I admit that up until a few years ago, I would nudge the scheduling of my annual physical by a couple of months every year so that I could lose weight in time for the appointment and not get “THE TALK” from my internist. And honestly, she gives “THE TALK” in the best way possible. But I still dreaded stepping on the scale. And for the record, I never managed to lose weight during those couple of months between my scheduled and rescheduled appointments.

As I’ve written many times before, I have struggled to maintain healthy weight since my teen years. Although I am not a person who people typically think of as overweight, my BMI has entered into the obese range twice in my life, once in my late 30’s and the second time in my mid forties. Each time, I lost 40 pounds. When my weight was either declining or in the healthy weight zone, I typically felt good about my body. When I was not, I had some pretty horrible things things that I told myself every day, like a tic. And when I was at a healthy weight, I still had a habit of comparing my weight to the people around me, even people I encountered while walking down the sidewalk.

As I wrote in the post, The Skin I’m In, the tic stopped after I’d done a lot of work on my body image, a natural thing to work on after breast cancer surgeries. At the time, I was at a healthy weight. I told my psychologist that I was concerned that if I were to gain weight again, that the tic, the tape in my head that told me “you’re fat” and other messages would come back. She told me that it might not come back.

By March of this year, I had gained back 25 of the 40 pounds I had lost between May and October of 2012. This was also, incidentally, at the time I went to The Second Chance Prom with my husband. We had a wonderful time. As I looked at the photos of myself from that day, I thought, “Yes, I’m overweight but I look beautiful.”

I realized that although a substantial amount of weight had returned, the tape in my head had not come back. I intended to write about this in my blog. Then I found that it was really difficult to write about. I was ashamed of how badly I had judged myself. I was also too ashamed to admit that I thought I was beautiful. Women are only supposed to say that about their young selves, after all.

Shame is a powerful emotion and it results from a sense of having violated society’s rules. One reason women and girls have a lot of body shame is because we have failed to achieve perfection. We also fail to stay young. But another one of society’s rules is that women and girls are to be dissatisfied with their bodies.

What a trap. What a no-win situation, if winning is defined as having a healthy body image.

A couple of months ago, I started following Weightwatchers again. It was the first time I’ve gotten myself back on an eating program without “hitting bottom”, that is, being motivated by shame and disgust in myself. I started referring to Weightwatchers as “wise-minded eating”. I do watch my weight to reduce chance of cancer recurrence since my cancer was highly estrogen and progesterone responsive and adipose tissue (basically body fat) has glandular function and produces female hormones. Also, a healthy diet is just good fuel for my body. I feel better when I eat well. I am also losing weight at a slow, but steady pace. My motivation, instead of eliminating shame is instead, seeking health.

One of the antonyms for shame is honor. I like that.

I honor my body for getting me this far in life. I will continue to do my best to treat it well.

My husband recently complimented me by noting that in a crisis, I am good at quickly figuring out what needs to be done, assembling resources, and doing it. This is true, in a number of respects, and I am grateful to have the skill and drive to carry it off.

There are some aspects of my life when this is hard and unfortunately, it is related to my physical health. I have a difficult time maintaining a healthy diet and exercise routine. I had coincidentally rejoined Weightwatchers a few weeks before my cancer diagnosis and had already started losing weight. I added walking at least 5 times a week a few months later, and I’ve been walking nearly every day for over two years. Since I started logging my miles on 12/2/12, I’ve walked close to 2000 miles.

I started tracking my miles as a way to help maintain my exercise program. That, combined with my renewed interest in nature photography, has helped me maintain the habit. Admittedly, I am having a little trouble transitioning to the damp part of the year but I’ve gotten out in some rather cold weather and enjoyed the sights and sounds of the outdoors. I know that I am getting my groove back.

My diet is another matter, altogether. I don’t eat a lot of sweets except around the holidays. And my gluten allergy means that I can’t eat most prepared foods anyway. However, I have been eating a lot of fruit, A LOT, and probably too much. I know that sounds silly but it has a lot of sugar in it. Finally, I know that my portion sizes are too big. I have gained nearly 20 pounds over my goal.

This all started when I decided to stop tracking what I ate every day. I stopped following Weight Watchers, basically. I was in a groove. I was ten pounds below my goal weight and walking a lot. I was really fit. I don’t know why I let myself do this. THIS IS HOW I’VE REGAINED WEIGHT EVERY TIME!

I keep restarting Weight Watchers for a couple of days but I have not yet gotten it to stick. Really, I am hoping that by writing this, I will get myself back into the long game, especially since we are in the holiday season.

I usually don’t end my blog posts with questions, but I have some. How do you help keep yourself motivated to maintain a healthy lifestyle?

I met a goal today. My BMI (body mass index) now officially lands in the “Healthy Weight” category. Hooray!!!!

Now for maintenance, which is even harder. But I am cautiously optimistic and for today, I’m going to concentrate on the achievement!

By eating better and exercising, I have:

-Decreased my chance of future serious health problems, including decreasing the chance breast cancer recurrence.
-Improved my daily quality of life. I am more energetic, positive in attitude, and confident.

-I am now a better role model of healthy living for my 14 year-old daughter.

Okay, now to celebrate with a big box of chocolates! I kid, I kid!

As they say, “You win some and you lose some.” But today both the gains and the loss are good news! We have two more minutes of day light today! And two more tomorrow! And two more the day after that! Until the summer solstice!

As for the loss, I lost a pound this week, which makes for a total of 30 pounds since May 5th! In one pound, my BMI will enter the “Healthy Weight” range. Hooray!

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journals of a mature student nurse

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George Lakoff

George Lakoff has retired as Distinguished Professor of Cognitive Science and Linguistics at the University of California at Berkeley. He is now Director of the Center for the Neural Mind & Society (


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