Archives for category: Silly

I forgot to mention the lovely fact that my breast looks like it is jaundiced or has carotene poisoning or something. This is because during surgery, Dr. Welk used betadine as an antiseptic, which contains iodine. Dr. Beatty, my breast cancer surgeon, never did that so I wasn’t expecting to be re-traumatized once again by having a part of my body turned Oompa Loompa color. It is a pretty wonky boob at this stage of the game and wonky is close to “Wonka” so hey, life is just having a little word play on me because it knows I’m always on the look out for good blog material. Maybe they’ve been reading my blog over at the Polyclinic and they actually used Clairol Basic Instincts, “Dark Auburn,” instead of betadine. (I’m totally kidding, wonderful people at the Polyclinic. I know you would never ever do something like that. I’m just getting my daily dose of humor about my breast cancer. Tee hee hee! Ho ho ho!!!)

I read online that hydrogen peroxide would take it off. It took off a little so now it’s slightly more yellow than orange. My skin is really sensitive so I should probably just leave it along for a few more days. But again, I blame Roald Dahl.

It was a big day today and I’ve spent an embarrassingly large portion of it trying to think of a catchy blog title. I was thinking about the title, “Walking toward Boobalon” after the poem that contains the line, “Walking toward Babylon.” Then I went on my fact-checking mission and realized that there is no such a poem. Then I remembered that it wasn’t “walking” it was “slouching”. Then I realized I was thinking of the Yeats’ poem, “The Second Coming” that contains the line, “Slouches toward Bethlehem.” Eek! I can’t boobify Bethlehem! That’s going over a line that even the woman who spent three days thinking of breast nicknames and another day describing the state of her nipple, is unwilling to cross. One might argue that boobify-ing Babylon, also in the Bible would be too much. But as I recall, Babel (another name for Babylon) just generated a lot of spoken languages, a far cry from the city in which Jesus was born. Plus, Babylon was founded by a man named Nimrod. Babylon is just a nugget of comedy gold.

So I decided that rather than waste more time trying to be clever with my title for the blog, I’d just better get writing. I had an appointment with the plastic surgeon today. I was worried about it because he has been kind of vague about the timeline for reconstruction and given how busy he is, I was afraid he’d give me another, “Come back in four weeks, we’ll see how things are going, and then a few weeks later, we’ll do the first part of reconstruction.” Thankfully, he was happy with my healing and said that we could schedule my next procedure, which is the placement of a tissue expander to be gradually filled with saline.So I was excited until I met with the surgery scheduler who said, “He’s so booked. I’ve been scheduling into late November.” Then she found a couple of cancellations and we settled on September 26th. This surgery will be in his office and take about an hour.

Dr. Welk said that he will initially fill the saline expander (basically like an implant) about half full. So in bread-making terms, my “unleavened breast” will proceed to the “sponge” stage. A sponge is basically a mixture of a little bit of flour with liquid and yeast, which is allowed to ferment before adding flour and making a dough. Bakeries use this multi-step process. Home cooks like me usually skip the sponge part because it requires an extra day. But good reconstruction, like a loaf of artisan bread, takes patience.

So save the date! September 26th is stage 1 of the leavening process!

Their are a number of statistics displayed on my WordPress administrator page. You know the usual things like number of hits each day. One bit of information that gets posted is “top searches”. I presume these are search terms that people type into Google or other search engines that lead them to my blog. John says that’s what it is, too though sometimes given the search terms displayed, it’s hard to believe.

Today’s top search terms? “Jon Hamm’s wardrobe malfunction.” That’s not so unbelievable because really, who doesn’t want to see that? But how did these search terms connect with my blog, you ask?
I laughed when I realized how this happened. The “wardrobe malfunction” part was easy. One of my posts is titled, “Wardrobe, from malfunction to function” or something along those lines. (Yes, I am too lazy to look it up, even as I am writing in the very same blog.) In this post I complain about having to wear pants to deal with my surgical drain and how I prefer to wear dresses. This statement prompted a comment from my cousin, Beth about how she doesn’t wear dresses because she usually doesn’t wear underwear. The following conversation ensued:

E: Hee! Who knew that you and John Hamm have something very special in common? You both go commando!

B: I knew John Hamm & I were meant for each other. Have you seen the “Hamm & Buble’ ” skit on SNL? It is brilliant if you’re looking for a good laugh.

M (Martha, my mom has entered the conversation. The “Joe” to which she refers is my dad.): To make things more interesting, Joe and I take turns wearing pants and dresses! (Mom, you are the Betty White of moms.)

E: Very funny, Mom! And yes and I think Jon Hamm was meant for all of us! Have you ever seen that picture of him in high school as the star quarterback? He looked amazing even then. http://www.buzzfeed.com/akdobbins/jon-hamm-in-high-school

B: oh jeez, no teenager should look that good. He should have had to suffer at least a few pimples or awkward moments.

I love my family’s combination of affection and humor! And Jon Hamm, if you ever want to make a comment on my blog, that’s okay by me.

So my mom has been dying to come up with a name to contribute to the name game. Earlier today she told me that she didn’t think she could think of something because because she “loved me too much” and didn’t want to make light of my cancer.

Oh how the love has faded because, drum roll please…, she has contributed:

Liv and Let Live

My dad, not to be left out and offering a mechanical interpretation:

Built and Re-Built

Both of those ideas made me laugh aloud after a very hard day. So I guess they love me a lot after all.

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Okay, so my cousin, Beth got me thinking about coming up with names for both righty and lefty. They are a set of a kind. So here goes, my stream of consciousness. As I did yesterday, I will add more as inspiration arises:

Boob and Boo Boo
Scooby and Scrappy
Lefty and Lucy (inspired by John’s suggestion “Righty Tighty and Lefty Loose-y”, which is backwards, unfortunately)
Benjamin and Button
Mammy and Mummy
Party and Pooped
Ta-da! and To-do
Zan and Jayna (The Wonder Twins, suggestion thanks to Lisa)
Waggy and Baggy
Jiggly and Scraggly
Lennie and Squiggy
Herman and Pee Wee
Judy and Punched
Hit and Miss
Denver and Phoenix (Okay, a little obscure but think about it and then groan.)
Teton and Won Ton
Ham Bow and Big Ow
Yin and Yang
Mickey and Mini (spelling intentional and I hear you all groaning.)
Bonnie and Clyde
Cupid and Psyche
Ernie and Bert (Okay, this one makes no sense but made me smile so I’m keeping it.)
Lilo and Stitched
Oscar and Felix
Simba and Scar
Wow and Ow

For some reason, I am finding a need to refer to the right side of my chest as something other than “surgical site.” It’s going to be several weeks before I start the temporary inflation process with the tissue expander so a name would be handy. And yes, I could stick with “righty” but that implies some kind of symmetry with “lefty”.  A few ideas of various levels of quality:

The Tissue Formerly Known as Righty
Breast-to-Be (I kind of like this one. Maybe a friend will throw me a shower before surgery. Yay, presents!)
Vegetarian Sweater Meat
Ugly Duckling (Some day it will turn into a bee-you-ti-ful swan.)
Breasterpillar (Some day it will turn into a bee-you-ti-ful breasterfly.)
Puppy Pupa (continuing with the metamorphosis theme)
Empty Jug
Sad Sack (waah!)
Berefticle (waah!)
Scarla
Storage Chest
Bosom in Waiting
Breast, in Space Saver Mode
Unleavened Breast
Late Bloomer
Bosom’s Buddy
Fixer Upper
Do-Over
The Start of Something Big
Under the Shoulder Boulder Holder

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Today’s bit of silliness is steeped in Americana. Today, my blog received it’s 1776th hit. I hereby declare my independence from breast cancer! Shots have already been fired and the big guns will come out next week. No longer will you colonize my body!

 

 

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